Marsha's Musings

The Origin of Me.

2012-02-13T13:48:00.001-06:00

It all started in our basement in Maine cranking out one page copies of my brother Dave's gossip rag...no wait. That was Stephen King.

Maybe it began when I was a young girl living in a small English town and inventing stories to entertain my younger sister...nope. J.K. Rowling.

My story is far less exciting. After being forever warped by a babysitting episode when I was five in which my brother let me watch 'Carrie' while he made out with his girlfriend, I was hooked. When I turned eight, my parents decided to completely do away with our televisions for religious reasons. The Horror. But it forced me to read. And read. And read.

The love of a good story morphed into a life long affair with the written word. I devoured whatever I could find from Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews to The Sacketts by Louis L'Amour. And anything/everything by Stephen King. I delighted in writing horrific short stories to scare my sister with. I may still have the first five chapters of a western I wrote when I was thirteen...in pencil.

My future was mapped out by the time I was in 5th grade. I would attend college, before becoming a foreign correspondent. Then later take Katie Couric's place on the Today Show. After a few years of that, I would settle down with some very handsome wealthy man (preferably a celebrity, at the time this may have been Tom Cruise. Don't judge me.) and have a few kids, all the while writing best-selling novels.

Instead I met my soul mate in a crappy little town on the far side of Arizona when I was still a teenager and my plans went all to hell. It's ok. Wingin' it hasn't been so bad. For a long time I gave up on dreams that seemed so far out of reach.

Then one day I had an epiphany. Time was passing and if I didn't want to end up an old lady in a rocking chair wishing I'd at least given my dreams a fair shot, then I better get my ass in gear.

Besides, if some Mormon housewife with three kids could pump out a bestseller...so could I.

Now I can't imagine ever giving it up. And that's my story.

What's yours?

This blogfest is being hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh, DL Hammons, Katie Mills, and Matthew MacNish.

Listen up, Bitches.

2012-02-10T11:23:00.000-06:00

Most of us aren't just writers. We are wives or husbands, mothers or fathers...and there are times when we can't convince the family to order pizza for the 3rd time in one week.

I have found the solution. BitchCooks.

You don't have to buy the books unless you just want to because there is also a blog with free recipes and videos. Just taking a few minutes to scroll through their pages is worth it. These are some hilarious bitches.

And if you have any questions you can email them:
WhatDoYouWant@bitchcooks.com

They even have a bitch store with gifts. I may have found heaven.

Happy weekend.

Sound Off

2012-02-07T11:48:00.001-06:00

Sometimes it’s hard when the little annoyances pile up enough to really piss you off. So let’s get them out there.

Inappropriate gifts from relatives to my 3yr old:

1) Your old phone with the rock band app. might have seemed like a good gift at the time but now I’d like to smack you around to the backbeat drumming through my head.

2) Your extra reading glasses. WTH? Yeah, he looks nerdy and cute but you’re not going to be the one taking him to an ophthalmologist with eye strain.

3) Clothes that are 5 sizes too big. Maybe you should keep those glasses. How large do you think my kid is?

If I didn’t perform some sort of quality control his room would look like a toddler version of Sanford and Son.

4) Teens that break shower heads late at night and hide it instead of warning you before it’s your turn to take a shower.

5) Teens that use your kitchen to do ‘the cinnamon challenge’ and then gag over your dishes in the sink. Warning: There may be a video floating around of this with my hand smacking the back of my teenager’s head. I will not apologize. It was deserved...and I had to pause Vampire Diaries.

6) Buying a package of socks at Wal-Mart and noticing later there is a hole in bag and a pair is missing. Damn you freaky Wal-Mart peeps! I shouldn’t even be surprised.

7) Peeps who don’t notice when the stoplight turns green at an intersection. 2 minutes is not enough time to balance your checkbook!

8) My day job office is located on a side street off a major road. I must cross several lanes of traffic to make the turn. There is no light, there is no turn lane. Watching cars barreling toward me in my rear view mirror is like a game of Russian roulette. Maybe they’ll see me…maybe they won’t. It does give my caffeine breakfast a kick in the ass though.

Whew…I feel better. How about you? Sound off in the comments.

Update: Cinnamon challenge is a dare game where you must eat a tablespoon without vomiting. IMPOSSIBLE. Been around for at least 10 yrs. Don't you peeps watch Tosh.O????

Insecure Writers Group: Time

2012-02-02T11:38:00.000-06:00

I’m a day late with this post which only reinforces my greatest insecurity. Time. Where the hell is it going? It’s February already and I’m wondering exactly where January went or the whole of last year for that matter.

Am I spending enough time writing? The conflicts of working a full time day job, along with the drama and needs of a large family tend to eat away at my ‘me’ time. Where some women might take a break to get a manicure, take a hot bubble bath, or have lunch with a girlfriend…I do not, at least not in a normal month. I write.

I cut corners, create shortcuts, anything and everything I can do to have time to sit and bang away at imaginary worlds with made up characters that never do dishes or scrub toilets. YES.

I combat my insecurity by telling myself I will reach my goals; it just might take a little longer than the original plan. And in the mean time, we will eat off paper plates, and learn to love casseroles from a box. I will continue to live with ragged cuticles, dry skin, and pissed off friends.

Because I have a story to write.

Note: This post is part of Alex Cavanaugh's Insecure Writers Support Group. Check it out. You know you want to.

Death and Taxes...Again.

2012-01-30T14:21:00.000-06:00

It’s true. These are the two things we can’t escape. So every year around this time I put on my day job hat to talk about taxes and how it pertains to aspiring/published writers. With the economy today it’s even more important not to miss any deductions.

Here’s the good news: You can claim your writing expenses on your taxes even if you are NOT published. If you have actively been pursuing a writing career, and can show query letters (via post or email) in case you are ever audited (highly unlikely) then this is proof that your writing is not a hobby. You can write off all/any expenses you have incurred.

You are considered a "sole proprietor" unless you choose to have some other form of business. A sole proprietor is just another way of saying "self-employed," "independent contractor," or "freelancer." Income and expenses are reported on your 1040, Schedule C. Take a look at it by going to the IRS website.

Make sure you separate all writing income from other types of income you are reporting (easier if not published since it’s a big fat zero) and keep track of all your expenses by using a spreadsheet or financial software. Try to keep all of your receipts but don’t freak if you can’t find where you put them because a cancelled check or a bank statement can serve as backup.

The most relevant categories of expenses for aspiring/published writers are:

Advertising – this includes business cards and web-marketing.
Legal and professional services – Such as editing or proofreading fees.
Office expense – anything other than consumable routine supplies (those go in under supplies) this is more for items such as computer software or reference/writing books.
Repairs and maintenance – repairing your computer, for example
Supplies – routine office supplies like paper, toner, pens, pencils, notepads, etc.
Travel – the cost of traveling to a convention, meeting, or research trip.
Meals and entertainment – the cost of business meals, but be careful not to go overboard here as this is a common target in an IRS audit.
Home Office-If you have a home office, and it doesn’t have to be a separate room just a space used solely for your writing, then you need to calculate the square footage against the overall footage of your home. A percentage is deductible and so are all of your utilities. Most tax software will do this calculation for you.
Utilities –electricity, gas, water, waste removal.
Other expenses – such as Dues & Subscriptions, Website development, and internet connection as long as it’s used for writing purposes only.

If you have an expense that doesn’t fit into one of the other categories then put this under ‘Other Expenses’ as well.

Warning: The IRS likes to say if you report a loss for more than 2 years then this should be labeled a hobby but that’s not entirely true because it’s fairly normal for any business to have several years of losses before ever making a profit.

What this means is that you can write off expenses pretty much worry free for two years but after that you may be asked to prove you are trying new methods to increase your profit. It isn’t nearly as scary as it sounds. Just keep a list of your projects, any feedback or meetings with agents, contests you’ve entered, and all the conferences you attended.

I think that’s it for this long, rather boring post but please feel free to research this topic further on your own if needed.

Good luck and may your taxes not directly lead to your death! Because that would suck.

Deep Thoughts

2012-01-26T10:14:00.000-06:00

By famous people who aren't dead yet.

Stop trying to sell your crazy, Tim. We get it.

Dude, you're like a modern day Socrates.

I really can't think of anything to say to this.

You are still the master, Steve.

Am I the only one that just wants to smack her?

Do you get the feeling Arnold is just faking it and still really doesn't know English?

I'm a little bit in love with this guy.

And for a bonus:

Well...except learning how to spell.

Mystic Falls Rant

2012-01-23T11:44:00.000-06:00

Last week as I was watching the latest episode of Vampire Diaries (in my sweats trying to convince myself no one has ever died from a cold), I noticed something odd.

There is not one single ugly or overweight person on the show. Not even a token plain BFF by which to measure the beauty of all others. Even the parents are gorgeous. Ok, except for this guy:

And I’m not sure he counts because he technically does not live in Mystic Falls. He just visits to cause trouble.

I can buy the idea of vampires, werewolves, hybrids, witches, and ghosts. But no ugly people? And no one eating one too many cheeseburgers? Come on.

Also why is it than when someone does escape from this town and disappears for years…they end up only a short drive away? Is there some interstate time warp that’s not being mentioned?

I’m just asking. And I sort of blame these questions on the frame of mind I was in at the time. Hopped up on cold meds isn’t a happy place. But now I am back to my old self! This may or may not be a good thing.

And of course, this rant in no way diminishes my love for all things VD.

Happy Monday!

Stuff I Missed

2012-01-19T14:03:00.000-06:00

I've been in a semi-coma this week due to a deadly virus seeking to destroy me. You may know it as the common cold but nothing feels common about this. This is a cold on crack.

Hopefully the worst is over but as I checked back in with the world...it seemed I'd been gone much longer than just a few days. Maybe because these are just some of the things I missed:

The Internet shut down.
My Governor dropped out of the race for President.
And Betty White turned 90.

Not to mention numerous posts on my favorite blogs.

What else? Did anything else happen I should be aware of? Come on, you can tell me.

Do you realize there is a cat pic that fits just about any subject?

Call Me Crazy

2012-01-13T12:48:00.000-06:00

In case you didn’t realize it…today is Friday the 13th. To some of you this may just be another day but to roughly 17-21 million people living in the US this is very real phobia called Frigg triskaidekaphobia.

Wait. Frigga what?

The most agreed upon origin of Friday the 13th is linked to the Last Supper and Judas Iscariot being the 13th person to arrive. Add that to Jesus dying on a Friday and...you get Friday the 13th.

Buildings without a 13th floor are pretty common but maybe you haven’t noticed there is also seldom a row 13 on planes and most hotels skip the number when it comes to rooms as well. People tend to take this fear a little too far.

The truth of the matter is, there isn’t an increase in disasters on this day. It’s just a day like any other and the statistics are there to prove it. Don’t let a silly superstition keep you from enjoying one of the best days of the week.

Of course…if you happen to spill salt there isn’t any harm in tossing it over your left shoulder. And you might want to stay away from black cats.

I said don’t be silly not crazy.

The Long and Short of it.

2012-01-10T15:42:00.000-06:00

There is always talk of titles when it comes to our stories. You can find some of the best discussions/opinions hanging out over at YA Confidential. Hard to compete with their level of funny and smart but I'll throw in my two cents. The most common questions are always how do we come up with titles? Is it better to have a long one or a short one? Should we really spend a lot of effort when the publisher has the final word on such things anyway?

I don't have a problem with titles. They come to me along with the story idea. But I also would be willing to change one if I heard something better, Usually I like them short and to the point. As in one word. Maybe two. Until now.

Because I totally hate the short title of my current wip.

It feels too plain, too generic. So I took some of the advice I found over at YAC and let me just say...it doesn't matter what you write, this is good advice for all. I tried free word association as it applied to my manuscript. Since I have almost OD'ed on books written in my genre lately I also decided to study the choices of others who have written similar stories.

Now I may go with a longer title. You could say I'm trying it on for size. Also the initials of said possible new title are S.O.B.S. which is like an added bonus and sort of fits my story too. Yes, I am a geek. You're only just now noticing? Please.

So I won't ask if you have problems coming up with titles. I'll just ask whether or not you stick with the first one you come up with?

Come on, you can tell me...

More Random Very Short Letters

2012-01-06T13:17:00.000-06:00

Dear strangers at my door,
Go away! I don't want to be a Jehovah's Witness! Oh wait, are those Girl Scout cookies??
Sincerely, I'll take 50 boxes please.

Dear Skinny Jean Wearing Boys,
Too... tight... can't... breath... world... caving... in... around... us...
Sincerely, Your Balls.

Dear parents,
Please stop acting like school is so easy and work is so hard.
Sincerely, at least you get paid...

Dear crayons,
I want you inside me.
Sincerely, Lines.

Dear Walt Disney,
Thanks for teaching little girls that everyone has a prince charming and a happily ever after.
Sincerely, where the hell is mine?

Dear verification code,
Can't you just take my word that I'm human?
Sincerely, WTF does that say?

Dear 2012,
We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals.
Sincerely, 1950.

Have a great weekend!!!

Insecure Writers: Playing with Power

2012-01-04T15:04:00.001-06:00

Words are powerful. Maybe more so than the average person realizes. They can lift us up or bring us crashing down. They can ignite a generation, change a belief system, and make dreams come true.

They can also crush and conquer, damage and destroy those very same things. Even if your goal is to write for entertainment purposes only (as mine is) you still have to understand that your words will have an impact. They will have the power to affect those who read them. Maybe that won't be very many. Or maybe it will be millions. It's not be taken lightly. And sometimes the thought of this scares me a little.

Words can hurt or heal. Which do you want your words to do?

With great power comes great responsibility. Be prepared. Don't play with it.

And yeah, I totally stole that line from Spiderman. Still true.

This post is part of The Insecure Writer's Support Group, hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh.

HooRah.

Reflections and Resolutions...

2011-12-30T14:24:00.000-06:00

For the New Year, as prompted by the peeps of Walmart:

Dress for success.

Try new hairstyles.

Be more positive.

Respect those in authority.

Spend more time with family and friends.

Keep the spirit of Christmas all year long.

I think these are resolutions I can live with.

If you feel the need to cleanse your palette (or scrub your brain) after all these Walmart pictures, I recommend my friend Mark.

Happy New Year!

What I did on My Chistmas Vacation

2011-12-28T12:11:00.000-06:00

Ate and Read. That's pretty much it. You don't want to hear about shopping nightmares, a frenzied Christmas morning, washing stacks of dishes every few hours, or the fact that toward the end my cleaning consisted of scooting toys into a big pile in the corner with my foot.

I ate and read. I also took a day to write but it wasn't easy after finishing this trilogy.

I can't tell you about it. I wouldn't be able to do it justice. Just read it and know that for a few days afterward everything you write will sound like sh** in comparison. Get over it. You don't want to be the next Suzanne Collins. You want to be the next you.

So, what did you do on your Christmas Vacation? Anything exciting? Tell me so I can live vicariously through your adventures.

The Dark Side of Christmas

2011-12-21T11:48:00.000-06:00

...or cherished holiday memories.

Pictures with Santa...or Uncle Jerry recovering from a rough Saturday night at the local bar? Are those prison tats on his hands?

Everyone passing out after an awesome holiday dinner or...just dodging a plea to help with the dishes?

Wrestling with a beloved sibling or...a carefully disguised murder attempt over the unauthorized use of your presents?

Normal fear over the power of Santa...or pure terror because your brothers told you he would eat you if you were naughty?

Fun holiday family photo...or cult induction ceremony? Perms are mandatory.

Perspective is everything.

Merry Christmas!!!

Love in Pictures

2011-12-19T12:41:00.000-06:00

These speak for themselves.

These were all disturbing but funny until I found this:

And now I don't know how to feel.

Google Gratitude

2011-12-15T12:22:00.001-06:00

Back when acid washed jeans were cool, Boy George was straight and you could buy a pack of smokes for under a dollar…my new husband informed me there were certain specific ‘man’ chores and ‘woman’ chores that applied in every marriage. I was skeptical but being a cheerful and trusting person…I played along.

Over the years the lines have blurred between these man/woman chores due in part to my rare but rage filled strikes. These are caused by the increase in my duties, the state of certain areas within my home, the SMELLS, and the fact that somehow the man chores are never completed.

I’m a problem solver, a trouble shooter if you will (this gives me a vague image of myself with crisscrossed ammo belts and matching pistols. It pleases me). So when something critical needed repairing last night and my husband claimed he needed the help of his brother who can’t make it until next week and it’s really not so bad anyway so why are you upset? I decided this time I would take matters into my own hands.

I googled it. I watched a 5 minute video, marched into the garage for the electric screwdriver, and then fixed the problem within 10 minutes. After which I felt justified in crowing about my accomplishment for rest of the night.

Thank you, Google. You have my heartfelt gratitude. Not just for always being there when I need you but also…for making me a better man.

Blog Bail

2011-12-12T15:25:00.000-06:00

When I started this blog it was all about me, which I think is the case with most of us when we begin. It was a way to get my thoughts out there and find my own voice in the midst of all the ones in my head. But once I gathered a few followers (part of me loves that this totally sounds like a cult) it changed into something more. It became about you. Ok, well…you and ME.

Now blogging to me is about support and community. It’s about trying not to pee my pants over your comments and trying to think of just how to phrase something to get you to laugh. It’s about checking in on your blogs and seeing what you’ve been up to or what crazy thought is rattling around in your head today. It’s about friends.

Maybe this is why it sort of pisses me off when someone abandons their blog.

I’m not talking about slowing down, or even taking a break for a while because we all need that. I understand that we only have so much time to juggle between writing and jobs, and family. That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about dropping out for good because I don’t need your support now that I’m published even though you’ve followed me for years and by the way some of you are creepy as shit and who cares what you think anyway, goodbye.

Give me a better reason than you don’t have the time to waste updating a blog even if it’s only once a month because if I can manage to do it with a full time job, writing, three kids and a husband who thinks this is still 1950, then by all that’s holy you can take ten minutes to tell me how you’re doing and what you’re working on.

Maybe you think you don’t owe me anything. And maybe you’re right. But after listening to your fears and insecurities, after taking the time to offer kind words of support and worrying if it will all turn out ok, then pushing your books to my small audience of friends and family, it feels a little like betrayal. And I don’t think I’m the only one who feels that way.

So if you’re busy, or overwhelmed…at least pop in every great once in a while (or tweet) and say so. This I understand. But totally bailing on your followers, fans, and friends should not be an option.

Although...how creepy is this?

P.S.: If you took the time to stop by and read this rant then I seriously doubt it was intended for you. Oh and if my own blogging becomes sporadic over the next few weeks...blame the holidays, shopping, and whoever decided to put me in charge of the office Christmas party. Damn you.

Insecure Writers: DareDreams

2011-12-07T10:42:00.000-06:00

We all have those negative insecure thoughts swirling through our minds from time to time.

Everything I write is crap on a cracker.
My next door neighbor may be a serial killer.
I’m going to be in menopause before I’m published.
College is just going to be a stepping stone for my son’s long career at Taco Bell.
I will never be the sort of writer who changes the world.
The mailman may be a serial killer.

I’m going to share a secret with you. When these thoughts occur to me I play a little game called DareDreams. Which is basically daydreams only these are so big not many people dare to have them. Get it?

One of my favorite DareDreams is being interviewed by Matt Lauer for my bestselling, life altering debut novel. He tells me J.K. Rowling has vowed to never write again after reading my work and falling into a deep depression over not being able to compete. Anne Curry declares me her new best friend and wants to hang out after the show. I let her down easy.

I also like to dream of all the contests I will hold for peeps to win a copy of my new book. Maybe whoever leaves the best comment about my hair…?

You can let your mind bully you into thinking you will never be good enough. You can let it push you around, shove you in a locker, and eat your lunch. Or you can fight back, refuse to be beaten, and feed it just enough crazy to keep it confused.

You know what I choose to do.

Sometimes I totally feel like this dude.

This post has been part of the Insecure Writers Support Group.

Serve and Deliver

2011-12-05T11:17:00.000-06:00

Being a lover of words has its side effects. It’s not just about the choice of words but the way in which they are served and delivered that I love. Accents and idioms from all cultures delight me. Sometimes it’s all about the flavor.

This makes me one of those people who can pick up an accent without being consciously aware of it (Madonna?). If I’m around someone for an extended period of time I tend to copy their pronunciations, even their manner of speaking to some degree. But aren’t we all a little prone to this at times?

The problem is this also happens if I immerse myself too deeply in the works of a particular author, especially if that author has a very distinctive voice.

So thank you, J.R. Ward, for making me sound like a 200lb vampire biker for the last week. Ya feel me? True.

It’s going over really well at the office and I’ve noticed my children are behaving much better than usual.

Those Crazy Teenagers

2011-12-02T14:34:00.004-06:00

I'm hijacking my own post today because the following breaking news must be shared. Stolen from the hilarious and awesome YA Confidential Blog and my own personal hero Stephen Colbert, I bring you the newest trend among teens...or is it?

Better start counting your tampons.

Gives the phrase 'bottoms up' a whole new meaning, doesn't it? I have two teen boys at home and I know exactly what the dinner conversation will be tonight. Opportunities to shock and embarrass them like this do not come along every day...ok they do but this one is just wicked good.

Happy Friday!!!

All There Is

2011-11-30T13:07:00.002-06:00

I watch the new television series ‘Once Upon A Time’ and I’m not going to answer the obvious question of why. Instead I’m going to pose another question…why aren’t you?

One of the main characters is a small boy who is in therapy because he believes the entire town is cursed and every person in it is actually a fairytale character. Only they don’t remember who they are. On the last episode his psychiatrist (who is actually Jiminy Cricket) asked him why he needed to believe this so desperately. His answer?

Because this can’t be all there is.

That one phrase is why I write the stories I do, and read the ones I love. It is the single most defining and brilliant answer I have ever heard to describe the deep need to believe in more than just what we can see with our own eyes. It is why all things fantasy, high and low, urban and whatever else you want to label it holds my attention like no other story can.

This can’t be all there is.

When a suburban housewife can write a story that induces a hysteria of emotion in 99% of the teenage female population, or a single mother can create an entire world of breathless magical possibilities from a jotted outline on a napkin, or a struggling English teacher can become the foremost authority on all things horror…it proves magic does exist. It’s in the words. Our wand may have Bic written on the side but it is filled with power. One simple truth burns within to guide us onward.

This is not all there is.

Closet Cleaning

2011-11-28T11:09:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when you start a project like cleaning out your closets for winter, there comes a point about halfway through when you look up and are almost overwhelmed with the enormity of what you have started. The creeping horror that this might take slightly longer than you originally planned settles like a lead weight in the pit of your stomach.

Maybe it’s the huge piles of crap surrounding you or maybe it’s the realization that most of this stuff doesn’t fit and you don’t need it anyway. You reassure yourself that although it might look like a big old mess now…it will soon be neat, organized, and fit together perfectly.

And that’s the point I’m at with my current manuscript. I’ve pulled out everything for closer scrutiny. Now I am deciding what is important and absolutely needed, and what I can donate or maybe save for a garage sale…

Do ya feel me? Where are you at with the current wip?

And this may be the best reason for never cleaning your closet:

Thank You, and You, and You

2011-11-21T12:47:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for our blessings...even though as a child I thought it had something to do with celebrating turkeys. Whatever you believe, it's a recognized holiday and I don't have to work.

So I am spending this week with my family and stuffing myself until I can barely walk, then waiting a few hours before doing it all over again. Why exactly do most of our holidays involve eating?

I'll be back next week or sooner if I just can't stand to be unplugged for that long but before I go I just want to say...thank you.

To every friend I've made online, to each person who comments and to those who just lurk, to all the aspiring writers who struggle with me every day, and to those who've made it but haven't forgotten a second of what it was like. Thank you. For all your support, for every single time you make me laugh, and even for those times you make me cry.

Thank you.

And remember:

This is how pumpkin pies are really made.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Very Short Twilight Letters

2011-11-18T11:31:00.000-06:00

In honor of the premier of Breaking Dawn...

Dear Twilight fans,
Thank you for making us look sane and well-adjusted.
Sincerely, Trekkies.

Dear Stephenie Meyer,
I'm sorry your fans are so obnoxious. Try using less glitter.
Sincerely, J.K. Rowling

Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that if you sparkle in the sun you are not a vampire, you are a unicorn.
Sincerely, Lestat de Lioncourt

Dear Twilight fan sitting behind me,
Stop yelling "Team Edward" every time Robert Pattinson comes on the screen, it's really getting old.
Sincerely, Taylor Lautner.

Dear Edward,
This is why you were in Hufflepuff.
Sincerely, The Sorting Hat

Dear Edward,
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely, Dracula

Dear Wizard Community,
It has come to our attention that a Dark Wizard has made a Inferi of Cedric Diggory, now going by the name of Edward Cullen. He is known to be running around with an unregistered Animagus, Jacob Black. If you have any information about their whereabouts, contact the Ministry of Magic.
Sincerely, Minister for Magic.

Dear Edward Cullen,
You stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original.
Sincerely, Peter Pan.

Note: Making fun of it doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to seeing it. I'm only human.

Do You See?

2011-11-16T10:53:00.000-06:00

I don’t like doing book reviews. It may the only time I find myself at a loss for words. If I truly love something…then I turn into a babbling idiot. If I hate it, well then the words of my mother haunt me. If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all. But that’s only a part of it. Our reviews are just opinions and one person’s take may be the complete opposite of someone else’s. I also appreciate how hard it is to write, and how much blood and sweat we spill onto each page, so to belittle any of that makes me cringe.
And I don’t cringe easily.

I am not going to review the book I read last night. But I am going to say, I cried. Not silent, pretty little tears but the kind that claw their way up your throat and choke you on the way out, that squeeze your heart until each ragged breath is a study in pain. When I was done, the world looked different somehow. Maybe a little clearer. And now I can’t stop thinking about this story.

Read it. Then tell me if you don’t think what all of us really want…is just to be seen.

A Thin Line

2011-11-14T14:22:00.000-06:00

I love Texas because it's 85 degrees, I'm wearing capris and sandals, and Thanksgiving is next week.

I hate Texas because it's 85 degrees, I'm sweating in my capris and sandals, and I have to cook a damn turkey next week.

I loved the last Harry Potter movie because it was closer to the book version than the others and did not disappoint at all.

I hated the last Harry potter movie because it was closer to the book version than the others and I cried again over Snape.

I love J.K. Rowling for giving us Harry and Hogwarts.

I hate J.K. Rowling for giving us Harry and Hogwarts and my inability to think of something equally as awesome.

I love the holidays because it's a chance to give thanks, catch up with family, and repeat all the embarrassing things my husband has done this year.

I hate holidays because I have to think of things to be thankful for, catch hell for not staying in touch with family, and listen to my husband repeat every embarrassing thing I've done this year.

My life is complicated. But at least I'm not as bad as this guy.

More Very Short Letters

2011-11-11T12:48:00.000-06:00

Dear Teachers,
Admit it; you only don't let us use Wikipedia because you're mad it wasn't around when you were a kid.
Sincerely, students.

Dear Students,
We know when you're texting.
Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles

Dear Buffy,
We have a new assignment for you. His name is Edward.
Sincerely, anonymous.

Dear Dora,
You're bilingual at age 4, and you seriously can't see the orange tree?!
Sincerely, It's right there!

Dear Men,
The first jockstrap was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for you to realize that the brain is also important.
Sincerely, so that's why you need me to make your sandwich

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Americans,
We totally agree with you about illegal immigration. Please allow us to show you to the nearest airport.
Sincerely, Native Americans

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Bieber

Dear Harry,
It's a good thing we're not related; your name would be Harry Longbottom.
Sincerely, Neville

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers,
If you do find one, what's your plan?
Sincerely, not very well thought out

Have a great weekend!!

TBR & TBW

2011-11-09T12:44:00.000-06:00

As writers our To Be Read and To Be Watched lists could be considered research but that’s really just an excuse to do what we love. This slightly false declaration should only be used to justify ordering Pizza three times in one week or in defense of your husband’s lucky football jersey being horribly wrinkled on game day. Go Texans!

I usually let both of these lists grow until I’m the last one to read a popular novel and my DVR threatens to burst into flames. Then I like to do reading marathons. There is nothing more satisfying that a librarian asking me if I need extra time and watching her eyes widen when I say I’ll be back in a week.

My TBW list is a little harder because there are some shows that cannot be watched with the company of my family. Not because they are risqué but because I am surrounded by males and any show of emotion (last five min. of last week’s Vampire Diaries) is a display of weakness and leaves me open to incessant teasing. Of course this is done as they duck and dodge because everyone knows wooden coasters are to a suburban mother like Chinese throwing stars are to a Ninja.

I’m concentrating on YA novels at the moment but I like to throw in a little J.R. Ward (vampire biker porn) to cleanse the pallet of teenage angst once in a while. Small sample:

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvator
Linger by Maggie Stiefvator
Fallen by Lauren Kate
The Replacement by Brenna Yovanoff
The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan
And the entire Wicked Lovely series by Melissa Marr

My TBW list is like a stew of awesome (which changes with the seasons).

Vampire Diaries
Supernatural
The Secret Circle
Grimm
Once upon a Time
Criminal Minds
Homeland
House

I think our lists say a great deal about us. Like mine obviously saying I have a split personality. No big surprise there. What does yours say about you? Share your lists!

Rock-a-bye Book Baby

2011-11-07T13:30:00.000-06:00

The two most important things in my life, being a mother and being a writer actually have more similarities than you might think.

The first few months after you have given birth to your baby or story idea everything is a little messy. They are long periods of sleep filled boredom and the smell of poop becomes alarmingly familiar, as well as the overwhelming stench of vomit. But you love them so you press on, knowing this is only a stage.

But after a little (or a lot of) repetition, it all begins to slide into place.

There will still be difficult periods when they are being stubborn and not listening to you. When the things they say don’t make sense and you begin to wonder if you should just start over…but you’ve put too much into them now(and in the case of a baby this might actually be a little harsh).

Many things will influence them over time, a teacher or an agent’s ideas, a coach or an editor’s criticisms. These things will play a part in shaping who and what your baby/book becomes as they grow. You may think you barely recognize at times but this is an illusion. They never stop being a part of you, their mother/creator.

Eventually the day will come when you have to set them free, the baby and the book. You have to hope you covered the basics, set them on the right path, and believe you added enough beauty in the heart of both that other people will one day love them almost as much as you do.

And that your husband’s influence doesn’t ruin the whole damn thing.

Very Short Letters

2011-11-04T13:18:00.000-05:00

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Have a great weekend!!

Insecure Writers: Measuring Success

2011-11-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

You can’t measure your success against what others have achieved. Haven’t we all heard this before? Some people get an agent after querying for an hour, some wait for 3 years. Some peeps get a book deal and a movie in the works after a few months, while other’s wait on submission for a year.

In the end, no matter what it takes to get your book on the shelf, there will be people who love your writing and those who hate it. We are all eventually on equal terms.

My personal measuring stick has Stephen King at the top with J.K. Rowling a close second. If I let their success intimidate me, I would never put another word to paper again. But I’m not competing with them at this point. I’m competing with myself. I run a race against a clock of my own making. My greatest opponent is fear. But I’ve beaten it before…and I will again.

Maybe sometimes it wears J.K. Rowling’s face and I imagine beating the crap out of it with my measuring stick of success but that’s a topic for my therapist to handle.

Note: This post is for the Insecure Writers Support Group hosted by the awesomeness that is Alex Cavanaugh.

Scare Me

2011-10-31T10:55:00.000-05:00

Looking for a little extra scare tonight? Try these old movies out. In my opinion they are still the best. Even if you're too busy to watch, having them play in the background is mandatory if you want to freak out trick or treaters. And who doesn't?

Although I'm not really sure what is scarier, that white mask or Jamie Lee Curtis' hair. You be the judge.

Nothing can touch the level of creepiness that is Christopher Walken.

But if you're just hanging with the family, these are great pics for teenagers:

Pretend you don't still think Jason Patric is smokin' hot. And no one can rock a mullet like Keifer.

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

And these for under 8 and over 80. It's all these same when you're in that zone.

This movie is to Halloween like It's a Wonderful Life is to Christmas. Watch it!

Funny, freaky, and kid friendly. I liked it wayyyy more than I wanted to admit as a mature adult. But who am I kidding? I still watch SpongeBob even when no kids are in the room.

Have a Scaretastic Halloween!!!

Mood Magic

2011-10-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, if you're lucky, you can create a mood while you write that comes through in the words.

More than one writer has admitted to needing music to set the mood while writing, even going so far as to release playlists afterwards. It’s a great way to gain insight on what prompted certain scenes in your favorite book.

I wish it worked for me. Music is distracting, maybe because it never fades into the background with the rest of the noise in my house like Dora (hola, como estas?), children screaming, and the occasional crash of thrown toys. It makes me want to dance or sing along, both of which is hard to do while typing.

I have to rely on different ways to set the mood and try to generate a little word magic. The weather outside the large window in front of my usual writing spot and the lighting in the room are a huge influence. Not to mention my own internal conflict at the moment (if I ignore the laundry one more day...will my husband actually do it? I don't think so).

With this being Halloween weekend, I should have plenty of inspiration to take my current wip from dark to uber-creepy. I plan on squeezing in a few horror movies, reading a scary book or two, and then staying up late to write while the squeaks and rustles of my old house scare the crap out of me. Hopefully this will translate to my pages and eventually scare the crap out of you.

All of this building toward Monday when we can trick or treat and eat candy until we collapse into a sugar coma.

Good times…good times.

So how do you set the mood for your writing? And any awesome plans for this weekend?

Lost in Your Head

2011-10-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

I have a co-worker who has a habit of turning to someone and picking up a discussion mid-stream that apparently began in his head…several moments before. We tease him but it occurred to me that he has mastered the art of ‘in medias res’ without realizing it.

Which led me to muse on whether or not we are doing this within our story and completely unaware. I’m cleaning up the first draft of my current wip and noticing one or two scenes almost entirely without description, as if the reader can see my characters just as I do without any references to help guide them.

Not going to happen. You must set up the scene even if it’s only a few sentences. It doesn’t have to be at the beginning but at some point they need a clue to further ground themselves within your story.

Don’t leave them wondering or wandering, lost in your head without a map.

Sorry for screwing with my blog schedule…wait, did I have one? Sort of? I took a long weekend to write and celebrate a big birthday in my house. Did I miss anything?

The Big Picture

2011-10-19T12:40:00.000-05:00

We can become so consumed by details we fail to see the beauty in the big picture. A small issue can suddenly become a boulder that blocks our path and keeps us from achieving our goals.

Don't let it.

Whether it’s our story or something happening in our life, sometimes just taking a step back to check the view makes all the difference.

Oh, yeah

Find Your Muchness

2011-10-17T12:15:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite scenes in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is when the Mad Hatter informs Alice she’s lost her muchness. There is some debate on what he meant exactly, whether it was her childhood belief and innocence, or the very essence of what made her…Alice.

But I prefer to think he meant her courage, her spirit in the face of adversity. And I realized something this past week while layering in subplots and adding twists to my current wip. Somewhere along the way, my story had lost its muchness. I stopped pushing the boundaries, and I must have been in a good mood about three quarters of the way through because suddenly everyone became very nice. Even my villain.

Not Good.

Then it occurred to me that maybe I have lost some of my own muchness. Have I become too civilized as an adult? Have I lost the courage and spirit to speak up when it’s not considered polite or when I believe in something that might not be popular? Every day I believe in the impossible but am I willing to back that up in my writing?

I vow today to be much muchier. And so does my manuscript. We may not be brandishing a sword but our pen rocks out loud.

How’s that for muchness?

Fear is Funny

2011-10-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

Haunted houses are a tradition during the month of October, like Halloween foreplay. Many years ago we used to gather a large group and hit all the local haunts, making sure to invite at least one much younger person to go with us. Someone's sibling or pre-teen child always wanted to tag along, completely unaware of the real purpose behind our invitation. They were the goat, our sacrificial lamb or to be more specific, the designated person we shoved in front hoping whatever it was out there would accept the offering and give us a running head start. Was it cruel? Yes. Did we consider the lasting trauma we were inflicting on said person? No.

Because fear is funny…when it isn’t you about to pee your pants.

Still in denial? Check out these reaction pics from a haunted house.

Jump? How high?

I got this, Bro.

The sacrificial virgin.

Ahhh...the terror train. This brings back memories.

Whoa, Dude! I'm just lookin' for the bathroom.

Im'a get you outta here if I have to pull you out by your head.

Take my sister! Please, take my sister!!

This saddens me. He looked so tough in that camo.

Who's scared now? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Have a great weekend!!

Join My Cult

2011-10-12T15:59:00.001-05:00

This may be a little disturbing coming so soon on the heels of my Marry Me post and if so…please stop reading now. Come back Friday to check out new Walmart pics. But if you’re up for more dysfunctional relationship analogies, then stay tuned. It’s been on my mind lately.

There has been talk of peeps becoming burnt out with blogging since it can be time consuming and time is not something we all have a lot of. We need to do what’s best for each of us and in my case I love being connected to the writing community too much to quit. I've made some real friends online and learned more than I ever thought possible.

But I have never obsessed over the amount of followers I have. It pleases me that I have any at all. Because it’s not really any fun ranting or sharing words of...‘wisdom’ with just family members (that’s what holidays are for). I believe if you have a few loyal friends who get you then that’s all you need.*

It does bother me when someone decides to stop following though. I realize this is probably never going to happen but I wish they would consider sending an email first. I’m not asking for a long break up message. Just a quick ‘hey, this isn’t working for me’ or ‘you really aren’t that funny’, or even a ‘I hate Walmart and sometimes you frighten me’ is ok.

I promise I wouldn't try to track you down and force you to drink my kool-aid.** This isn’t the Hotel California and I’m not a cult leader. I’m just a writer with hidden abandonment issues.

Ok, I’m totally lying. Join my Cult!!! Preferences regarding specific Kool-Aid flavors will be considered.

*Until your book deal, then your perspective has to change and broaden to include that.
**This statement is not applicable in TX, OK, NM, and lower LA. Think of it as an inverted T of terror.

Marry Me

2011-10-10T11:13:00.001-05:00

Let’s talk commitment. Like the kind you make when you procure an agent and sign a contract to be faithful and honest and share part of the proceeds of your work with them. This will also involve compromises at times and lots of open communication with each other. Why does this sound familiar? Because it’s what you promised your spouse when you married.

I’ve heard one or two writers claim their author/agent relationship is purely professional and they like it that way. But I think it means much more for the majority of published authors. Writing is a personal endeavor, it’s your heart and soul on the page and your agent will become your first reader. How can the relationship maintain its professionalism?

It’s a marriage, plain and simple. Only more like a rogue Mormon sect multiple wives kind of marriage because your agent will have several commitments. I take this sort of promise very seriously. I’ve been married to the same man now longer than I was single and when I sign with an agent it will be after serious deliberation and with the same strong commitment.

I’m not saying divorces don’t happen…they do. Just not in my house.

If you could find an agent through a personal ad mine would read like this:

Story-teller seeks Story-seller
Twisted sense of humor and ability
to shotgun full beer a must.
Long term commitment only, if looking
for one-night stand, call my sister.

Just marry me already!

Note: Just to clarify, 'call my sister' is sort of a catch phrase. I am not implying my sister is some sort of slut...at least not anymore. As for the beer slamming, I hardly ever get a chance to drink but I think it would work in my favor if my agent did.

Just Don't

2011-10-07T14:48:00.000-05:00

The fabulous month of October holds one of my favorite holidays, Halloween. Now you may be tempted to go rogue and dress your child up in something unusual this year...

Trust me...just don't. They could grow up to be this guy.

Have a great weekend!

I Quit!

2011-10-05T11:30:00.000-05:00

Two little words…that carry so much weight and have such huge consequences. We’ve all said them at one time or another. I have several times in many different situations over the years. Sometimes I actually even meant it.

But never when it came to my writing.

How do you quit a dream? How do you quit something that fills you up and keeps you sane? Do you think you’re the only one who’s ever thought of quitting the struggle writers face each day? It doesn’t get any easier after being published either. The words do not magically flow to your fingertips after that first debut novel.

I imagine there were days when J.K. Rowling wanted to poke Harry in the eye, shave Hermione bald, and throw Ron under the nearest trolley. Or maybe Stephen King wanted to take his characters and…wait. Nevermind. He does torture his characters.

But they never quit. Oh, the horror if they had, the loss of all those stories which shaped us, made us believe the impossible and had a hand in forming who we are today.

Breaks are a necessary part of the writing process. Take a step back, catch your breath, mull over the possibilities, or just forget about it for a few weeks so you can recharge the magic. Then get to work again. Because dreams don't happen if you aren't willing to sweat over them a little, or in some cases, a lot.

Save those other two words for more appropriate situations…like during the last conversation at your day job the morning after the film rights to your best selling novel are sold to the CW.

Then you can scream it. Or put it up in lights. Whatever works for you.

This has been a post for the Insecure Writers Support Group.

Because it’s no fun being nuts all by yourself.

Die, Monday, Die.

2011-10-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

I hate the incessant beeping of my alarm clock signaling the week has begun.

I hate the sudden rush of cold water as someone unexpectedly flushes the toilet while I shower.

I hate my tight, scratchy clothes after a weekend of t-shirts and baggy shorts.

I hate that I wasted two good hours watching Black Swan when I could have been sleeping.

I hate that I spent another hour thinking about it afterwards.

I hate Black Swan.

I hate people who drive 5 miles an hour and spend 10 min. making a turn.

I hate cheerful co-workers who sing good morning.

Is that coffee?

I love coffee.

Bad Hair Books

2011-09-30T13:09:00.000-05:00

I highlight my own hair. It’s quicker and cheaper than going to a salon and sitting for hours so a professional can charge me an outrageous amount of money.

But there are risks to this. Once towards the end when I was extremely tired, I started slapping highlighting solution everywhere like there was no tomorrow. It actually didn’t look bad…until I pulled it up into a ponytail. But I rocked that look like I meant to do it. Because if you can’t fix it, then you gotta own it.

My sister colored her hair and then about halfway through the process freaked out and changed her mind. She washed out the solution and instead of a lighter color…it was no color. Her hair was completely gray. She had no choice but to go to a professional and have it repaired.

Have you ever read a book where the author did a great job until the end and then threw a lot of random events together to wrap it up quickly? Or they stopped in the middle of the story and just called it a day? I have and while I understand it might have been their vision all along or done for dramatic effect, it doesn’t seem very professional.

I don’t want my novel to end like a bad hair day. My highlights may never be salon quality (although I think they’re pretty badass) but my writing can be. Never go cheap on the story or settle for something less than your very best effort.

Can I get an Amen?

In Stereo

2011-09-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

One of the mistakes newbie writers can make is the overuse of stereotypes, the squeaky clean hero or the evil villain, the cigarette smoking slut, or the straight-A virgin. What about the dumb jock or the awkward nerd? These one dimensional characters don’t exist in real life so it’s not easy to make them believable or ‘real’ in print.

Heroes often have troubled pasts and villains are rarely all evil (or all gay). Straight-A students can be sluts and virgins can pick up bad habits like smoking just as easily as anyone. It’s these very flaws that make us relate and see them as more than just characters in a story. It’s what makes us love them.

So, remember to change it up and Keep It Real.

And here are a few peeps we tend to stereotype just for fun.

Skanks

Bitches

Anyone with a southern accent must be retarded and look like this guy.

Note: In direct conflict with my above post - there are quite a few movies which have become hits using extreme stereotypes. Check out this article, you’ll like it.

Behind My Own Iron Curtain

2011-09-26T13:54:00.000-05:00

I realize the need for corporate firewalls but that doesn’t mean I have to like them. So this morning when I arrived at my office early to find a new one installed that blocked several of my favorite sites, I did what any loyal employee would do…I tried to find a way around it.

Flash forward 30 minutes later to an email from our IT manager asking me why I was trying to bypass our settings.

To which I replied, ‘it’s not me, it’s my porn addiction.’ We did manage to compromise on Twitter but only if I agreed to follow him.

I have honed the art of multitasking so having 10 browser windows up at one time is not unusual but no longer. You have now been classified as a distraction. We are blocked from anything labeled ‘Web Communications’ or ‘Arts and Entertainment’ even on our lunch hours.

Adaptability is my middle name (not really, that would be weird.) so this will not stop me but it will force a rearranging of my blogging schedule, maybe pre-schedule more posts, and delay my commenting on blogs until much later in the day.

This is Marsha Sigman...reporting from behind the iron curtain. Support blog freedom everywhere!

WTF Friday

2011-09-23T11:01:00.000-05:00

It's time for another edition of WTF. Or Walmart Trendy Fashions.

So that's what happened to all those old rebel flags.

The sad part about this is...I actually own that hat.

$26.32 for bread and Vagisil? WTH?

For the love of God...do not buy the bologna.

I'm not leaving until I find The Dukes of Hazzard dvd.

The new season of Sons of Anarchy is going to kick ass.

Have a great weekend!

Your Voice

2011-09-21T13:50:00.000-05:00

In writing there is always a lot of talk about voice. Finding your voice, developing your voice, making sure your writing reflects your voice. Some people get this concept right off the bat and it emerges without any difficulty at all.

But what about those who’ve been ignoring their voice for so long they’re not sure it’s still speaking to them?

I think your ‘writing voice’ hides most of the time. It’s the one you silence during polite conversation so you don’t appear rude or worse…crazy. It is the uncivilized part we keep gagged…except for when we start tapping on those keys.

Then it speaks of murder and magic, swords and heroes, or maybe even unicorns and rainbows. Whatever.

My inner voice is an angry teenager. I’m not sure why. Maybe it's because I don't listen when she says ditching everything to live in a hut on the Scottish coast is a good idea, or maybe it's because I’ve kept her silent when she wanted to rage against the unfairness of 5:00am wakeup calls or a boss who doesn’t recognize Halloween as a legitimate holiday…or maybe she’s just a bitch. But she’s the one I let write, at least for now.

Your voice is there…you just have to listen.

Chicken and Clowns

2011-09-19T13:30:00.000-05:00

I fully believe all dreams mean something. Maybe not all of them are bestselling novel ideas (still bitter, Stephenie, still bitter) but our brains never really shut off even when we sleep and I think dreams are a side-effect of our subconscious struggling to work out a backlog of issues.

I dreamed last night a KFC was built next door to our house. I discovered it while taking out the trash and it was so close I could touch it from my kitchen window. They even put some KFC signs on our house too.
I'm pretty sure this means I was seriously jonesing for some crispy fried goodness.

At nearly the same time, my husband was dreaming of desperately fighting off a killer clown intent on molesting him...in some way. It wasn't Ronald McDonald so it's safe to assume he wasn't craving a Big Mac. We are just going to chalk that one up to random man craziness and let it go. Mainly because I've given up trying to make any sense of him awake or asleep.

Have you ever had any really disturbing, unexplainable dreams?

Let me analyze them for you.

Know Thyself

2011-09-16T11:05:00.000-05:00

I'm going to share a secret...

I love bad guys. Even when I was a kid, Prince Charming seemed sort of boring. I want my villains to be horrifically evil and my heroes to be...just a little bad. Not shoving old ladies into the street bad but conflicted at the very least.

Case in point:

This guy was boring, wimpy and not interesting at all.

And this guy was seriously hot...uh I mean interesting.

The same with these guys:

And now they've flipped. Even recognizing this does not stop my feelings from rolling over to whoever is currently bad. And that is due to some seriously brilliant writing.
I used to think this bad guy fascination might be a character flaw but I've accepted who I am. Even the shallow parts. The real culprit is good characterization and if you want your story to be great, this is a necessary element.

So don't feel bad if you enjoy shallow movies who show bad guys with their shirts off most of the time...it's just research.

Voted Most Popular

2011-09-14T15:56:00.000-05:00

As a parent you’re not even in the race. It's sort of like a computer...just about the time you think you know everything, the software changes. But being a parent should not be a popularity contest.

As a writer getting a chance in the ring is hard enough, but with persistence and hard work, we can all have a shot at the future title. Let me warn you though, there will still be those who bet against you.

As a person...well one of the lessons learned as you get older is that you cannot make everyone like you. So when this happens, I wonder briefly what is wrong with such a person and then dismiss it.

My point, and I'm not entirely sure there is one because it's Wednesday and my morning caffeine fix wore off long ago, is that maybe you won't ever be voted most popular in life...but who the hell really cares anyway?

Love your family, they can either love you back or learn to do their own laundry.
Cherish the friends you have (that includes blogger ones).
Never give up on your dreams...and be happy.

Mondays Suck

2011-09-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

You know it's true.

I’ve been in a holding pattern when it comes to my writing lately. One of those rare breaks where the first draft of my latest manuscript is stewing on a flash drive and I’m mulling over possibilities.

Then last night I had an epiphany about my story while watching what could possibly be one of the worst ghost/haunting movies I have ever seen.

We cannot write in a vacuum. Outside stimulation is absolutely necessary in order to jumpstart the creative flow. It’s like when you’re trying really hard to remember something but can’t and then once you stop trying…it comes to you. I clearly saw what my manuscript was missing and got back to work.

Still riding the high from that, I came into work this morning to read this headline:
Andy Whitfield, 39, dies of lymphoma

This is Andy:

And this is Andy:

He was the star of the hit series Spartacus, on Starz. It was on for one heart pounding, incredible season and then filming was delayed when he was diagnosed with cancer. After a few months, he went into remission and began filming again only to discover the cancer had come back. He bowed out of the series which they then delayed another year until this January.

He leaves behind a wife and two small children. Not to mention a score of devastated fans who may not have known him personally but loved him nonetheless.

Thank you, Andy. For making me cry, and cheer, and want to kick ass beside you.

You’ll always be Spartacus to me.

Insecure Writers: Writing for You

2011-09-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

I love my mother. She is the kindest, most gentle person I know and one of those women who were just meant to be a mother. Obviously all my evil traits are a genetic throwback.

She is extremely supportive of everything I do and I’m quite sure if I phoned her today to tell her I invented time travel or a cure of cancer, she would not be surprised. Because in her mind, I can do anything.

But when it comes to writing, if I let it…her love would cripple me.

I have to block out her abhorrence for foul language or the credo of ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ that she raised me to believe in. If I don’t blindfold her watchful eye over my shoulder or strangle her sweet voice in my head, then the most my characters would ever do is hold hands and sip tea as they pondered the beauty of the world and isn’t everything just NICE?

No, it’s not. I want my characters to scream curses as they run with sharp objects that oh yes could definitely put someone’s eye out and kiss with their TONGUES, and betray friends and tell horrible lies and maybe the ultimate bad of all…not ever listen to their mothers.

You can’t write like your momma is watching. Or your father or the pastor of your church or that old dude who smokes hand rolled cigarettes and stares at you while you pump gas every week at the corner store.

You have to write for YOU. You have to let go of the fear and allow your own voice to speak. If you don’t then your work will show it, it will be stifled and stiff, and your characters just stick figures that never come to life.

Maybe killing your darlings isn’t just about the delete button on your keyboard…maybe it’s about those disapproving voices in your head too.

This post is part of the awesomeness that is Alex Cavanaugh's Insecure Writer's Support Group. Hit the link in the sidebar and join our neuroticness (is this a word?)

Labor Day

2011-09-05T10:00:00.009-05:00

This was supposed to post yesterday but something happened to the scheduling. I blame Blogger.

The US Department of Labor explains this holiday as 'the first Monday in September, a creation of the labor movement and dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.'

It was actually created by workers within the labor unions who protested substandard working conditions and 12 hour workdays.

San Francisco

New York

And not by Oscar Meyer in an effort to sell more hotdogs.

WTF Friday

2011-09-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

It's time for another edition of WTF? Or if you prefer WWTT? (What were they thinking)

Don't laugh. You know we all have an uncle like this. And his purse is kickin'.

I swear this is not my family. I want that kid for our band though.

Really, Sean Connery? Really?

Just for you, Mom.

And the ultimate WTF pic of the week...

Keanu Reeves is an Immortal. I am not surprised at all.

Magical Realism

2011-08-31T11:36:00.000-05:00

Still not clear on what Magical Realism is? I am sure you have heard the saying 'a picture is worth a thousand words' but as a writer I tended to disagree...until now.

Cinderella

Jasmine

Little Red Riding Hood.

Snow White

The Little Mermaid

Note:

The first four pics courtesty of Dina Goldstein at Fallen Princesses.

The last one I added just for fun.

Blurring the Lines

2011-08-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

I am many different things.

I am a professional in my day career.

I am a mother to 3 boys, two teenagers and a 3 yr old. In this capacity I serve as cook, maid, psychiatrist, physician, and social secretary.

I am a wife. See extra duties above under mother.

I am a writer.

Most of the time I can keep these facets of my life separated. I am a master at compartmentalizing. Maybe because if I didn’t it would only take a few days before becoming completely overwhelmed by the enormity of tasks facing me each day and I would run screaming through the streets.

But sometimes the lines blur.

Replying to emails from co-workers with an in depth critique of their grammar and plot weaknesses is not going to win me any popularity awards.

And asking my boss if he needs to potty before a meeting is just not acceptable.

Artistic Angst

2011-08-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

Highlight of my week:

My three year old and I started a band. I play keyboard and backup vocals. You would be surprised at what I can do with a three note fisher price piano. He is the lead singer/guitarist (plastic strings?) and named the band completely on his own.

We ARE the Big Boys.

We had our first gig in a seedy little joint (my living room) and then broke up later that night due to artistic differences. Apparently I riffed too much over his solo and my backup vocals were not what he was looking for. He told me to get out.

We’ve been in talks about a reunion concert but who knows when that might happen? It’s common knowledge he’s on the juice and can be a little unreliable and moody.

Apple Juice addiction is no laughing matter.

What's been the highlight of your week so far?

Without Words

2011-08-22T13:36:00.000-05:00

Body language is fascinating especially to those of us who rely so much on words to express ourselves. What are we saying without the words? What are we revealing about ourselves? And how can we incorporate it into our current wip? Because that question always lurks in our minds.

But what is even more fascinating is the body language we exhibit when we sleep. Our defenses are down and we are exposed (let’s hope not literally). Here are the results of a study conducted on body language while we are sleeping and what it tells us about our personality.

• Fetus position - These sleepers are said to have a tough exterior but are still sensitive and may appear to be shy but warm up quickly.

• Log position - If you sleep on your side with both arms down, you are a social, easy-going person who is trusting, sometimes to the point of being gullible.

• Yearner position - The side-lying position with both arms out in front of the body. Noted to be open-minded and still cynical, suspicious, and stubborn about sticking to decisions once they are made.

• Soldier position - These sleepers lie on their backs with arms down and kept close to the body. Said to be reserved, quiet, without fuss, and hold themselves and others to a high standard.

• Freefall position - Those people lie on their bellies with arms under or wrapped around a pillow with head turned to the side. Freefallers are brash, outgoing, and are very uncomfortable with criticism.

• Starfish position - Sleepers who lie on their backs with arms up near their head or the pillow. These people are good listeners, helpful, and are uncomfortable being the center of attention.

I’m a total free faller when I get the bed to myself. But when I have to share it with my husband it’s a whole different language going on. The positions we sleep in as couples tell us about ourselves too, at least according to expert Patti Wood.

The Spoon: If the spooning is comfortable, with no tension in the limbs and seems balanced, it shows both a strong sexuality and feeling of security in the relationship. This Spoon position has been shown to increase intimacy in couples and reduce the stress of both partners.

Honeymoon Hug: This occurs when couples just cannot get enough of each other they want to face each other, seemingly gaze into each others’ eyes, even in sleep. Honeymoon huggers face each other and touch all or some of the front of their bodies. That means they may touch each other with their feet, their legs, their knees, torso and chests. (I’m slightly creeped out by this)

Shingles: aka The Royal Hug- In this position it is typically the man lying on his back facing up. The woman head is cradled in the man chest or shoulder. Symbolically the person on his back in sleep is facing life. A face up position indicates confidence and self-assurance. If the man’s arms are wrapped around the woman, it shows a wonderful protectiveness. If the man has his hands on top of his head like a crown and/or his elbows are out to the side like a royal cape, he is showing his confidence and that he wants to be in charge, the king of the castle. (Oh, it all makes sense now.)

Zen Style: This occurs when couples are on their sides, faced away from each other so only their rear ends touch. The facing away shows trust and the ability and desire to be independent but the gushier touch shows that they want to stay sexually connected. They are already a confident couple, they just need space.

The Leg Hug: This is a position where just the legs or feet of the couple touch. This position may be assumed after years of marriage when the couple wants space but still wants to connect. Alternatively, it’s a position couples take after a fight when they would normally have slept closer but since they’re angry they don’t go to the old position. Instead they signal “I will still love you in the morning” by touching the feet or legs.

The Cliffhanger: This position is when both partners are on opposite sides of the bed facing away from one another with no physical contact. Know that Cliff hanging shows independence. It says, “I want adventure.” If your partner suddenly goes from close sleep to a cliffhanger, you might want to talk about it. If your position changes from a hug-like sleep to the cliff hanger it can indicate a desire to be more independent or separate, or a desire to buy a king size bed.

I have to say we've been in most of those positions except that creepy honeymoon one...you don't want to wake up to morning breath in that position. Let's keep it real.

Sleep confessions anyone???

Bottle The Awesome

2011-08-19T11:57:00.000-05:00

If I could bottle the awesome of these ladies…I’d be a millionaire.

Elana Johnson
Shannon Messenger
Lisa and Laura Roecker
Jamie Harrington
Casey McCormick

WriteonCon is an online conference primarily for aspiring authors of young adult and middle grade fiction but some of these same agents and editors who participated in the critiques and live chats also rep adult works so there is something for everyone. It is completely free to all. Donations are appreciated but not mandatory. Even though it is over for this year, you can still go and read through all the archives. It’s worth it and I can guarantee you will learn (and laugh) more than you ever anticipated.

Some of the agents who participated:

Jenny Bent
Suzie Townsend
Katherine Ortiz
Natalie Fischer
Roseanne Wells
Holly Root
The slithery Barbara Poelle

Just to name a few. There were many more, not to mention superstar editors. The enormous amount of work and scheduling that must have went on behind the scenes to pull this off blows my mind.

But what really makes this event so near and dear to me is the reality of my not being able to attend a writer’s conference in person for at least a few more years, unless it’s held next door in my neighbor’s backyard and babysitting services are offered. Oh yeah. I know without a doubt my house would fall into ruin at my absence. I imagine within 24 hours it would look like a scene from Lord of the Flies and my three year old would be leading a band of mud streaked heathens on a wild boar hunt.

And by heathens I mean my husband.

So this is why WriteonCon is perfect and I will forever be indebted to its founders who have never forgotten for a single moment what it feels like to chase the dream. They are paying it forward and someday I hope to do the same.

And for those of you not interested in writing conferences...here is what I have to look forward to at some point this weekend in my search for school supplies.

Papa?

See you at Walmart.

In, Out, and WTF?

2011-08-17T10:27:00.000-05:00

If you're wondering where I am then wonder no more. I am here:

At the awesomeness that is WriteOnCon 2011! It's a virtual writers conference with some of the top agents and authors in the business. It is mainly targeted toward YA and MG writers but a lot of the agents participating also represent adult work so it's worth checking out if you have some time.

I am also studying critiques of my work, writing my ass off, and deep in negotiations with a certain someone about why these should be considered an investment into a future career.

I don't think so.

Also...wtf is this?

Just wondering.

And that is my world so far this week. What's happening with you?

First Lines

2011-08-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

We all know how important first lines can be. It’s what captures your attention, guarantees your continued interest, and sets the tone for all that is to come. If you don’t believe me, take a look at these examples.

'Call me Ishmael.'
Moby Dick (1851), Herman Melville

'It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.'
Pride and Prejudice (1813), Jane Austen

'All children, except one, grow up.'
Peter Pan (1911), J.M. Barrie

'Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.'
David Copperfield (1850), Charles Dickens

'There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.'
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1952), C. S. Lewis

But first lines aren’t always words at the beginning of a novel. It can also be the first line of defense every morning before you greet the world. And no I’m not talking about brushing your teeth (but still a good idea)…I’m talking about your underwear. Your physical first line (front line?) in the fight against nudity.

I have been tagged by the awesomeness that is L.G. Smith over at Bards and Prophets (she’s totally both) and now I must answer the following top secret questions about my first lines in the Great Panty Meme of 2011.

What do you call your panties/underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

My Powers. It began with my child believing certain underwear gives you superpowers. The name stuck.

Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

No, but my husband dreamed he was naked in the shower once with my entire family…minus me. What does this mean?

What is the worst thing you can think of to make panties out of?

Barbed Wire. Too scratchy.

If you were a pair of underwear, what color would you be and why?

Red striped boxer briefs. ‘Cause I’m practical but fun. (the temptation to say Black lace was really bad here)

Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or celebrity? If so, which one(s). If not, which one(s) would you throw them at given the opportunity?

No I have not but if I could…it would be ALL of them. I mean it…I’m just a giver.

You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

Call me Rambo.

Are you old enough to remember Underoos? If so, did you wear any. Which ones?

What do you mean did? I still do. These:

If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

I’m torn between these two.

How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

I have actually spent time around goats and there is no way in hell you are getting panties on one, EVER. No matter how many bloggers you use. Trust me.

DONE.

I’m not tagging anyone yet. So if you have a burning need to tell us about your underwear then email me and I’ll put you on the list. I also have the name of a good therapist…

Happy Monday!

Say What?

2011-08-11T09:57:00.000-05:00

These were all actual newspaper headlines. It sort of validates our agonizing over every word we use when we write. Maybe these peeps should have done the same. Or maybe they knew exactly what they were doing...

Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy

State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food

All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved

London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be Electrocuted Twice for the Same Crime

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Man is Fatally Slain

Fifth Graders get to Grill Lions

How is your week going? Is it just me or does it seem like everyone is on vacation???

I'm Back

2011-08-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

Hello there. I am back from vacation...sort of. Relatives visited us from out of state and we had a great time. We spent a day at the beach:

Almost had heat stroke shopping at the quaint little village nearby:

And realized at some point if we did a little creative matchmaking with our blended families some of the kids could actually say their grandfather was also their uncle. This was a lot funnier after a few bottles of wine.

Why does everyone expect after a few days off you will come back rested and relaxed? I feel more like this:

And my brain feels like a pencil with the lead end snapped off.

So...what did I miss? Anything exciting happen while I was away? It's going to take me a while but I plan on reading all of your blog posts while I was out!

PS: Thank you to the family. BEST TIME EVER.

Vacation

2011-08-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

I'll be back next week!!

Make A Wish

2011-08-03T13:18:00.001-05:00

I'll make more than one. Today is the final day of the Novels to Film Blogfest. Thank you to Madeleine Maddocks for hosting this!!

It's been sort of a disappointing year for me when it comes to films (excluding Harry Potter). I like a fast pace and a twisted little plot. Yes, I am shamefully commercial but once in a while those sweeping character driven epics do grab my attention. Just not today.

These are the novels I want brought to life on the big screen and thanks to inspiration from my good friend L.G. Smith, I am including the actors who should be in the leading roles.

The Mirror:

A young woman in Colorado experiences time-travel and trades lives with her grandmother under the influence of a mysterious antique mirror. Shay Garrett leaves her 20th-century life and boyfriend (by whom she has discovered she is pregnant) and assumes the existence of her grandmother Brandy, in the frontier days of the late 1800s. At the same time, Brandy looks into the mirror just before she is to be married to a man she does not love, and wakes up to find herself in the body of a young woman surrounded by loud music, fast cars and unfamiliar codes of conduct.

The actresses perfect for Shay and Brandy?

Blake Lively as the tall blond Shay, and Mila Kunis as the curvy brown haired Brandy.

Guilty Pleasures-Anita Blake series:

In a world where vampires, zombies and werewolves have been declared legal citizens of the United States, Anita Blake is an “animator” – a profession that involves raising the dead for mourning relatives. But Anita is also known as a fearsome hunter of criminal vampires, and she’s often employed to investigate cases that are far too much for conventional police. But as Anita gains the attention of the vampire masters of her hometown of St Louis, she also risks revealing an intriguing secret about herself – the source of her unusual strength and power.

This entire series is badass although lately it's veered a little too far into erotica. The first few books centered more on paranormal investigations and dating the head vampire. Like a grownup Buffy...only cooler 'cause she has powers.

Perfect leading lady?

Who else but Eliza Dushku?

So maybe some of you are saying what? Where are the Stephen King picks?? Fine, just for you...I'm lying, these are totally for me.

The Gunslinger:

This is the opening chapter in the epic Dark Tower series. Roland, the last gunslinger, in a world where time has moved on, pursues his nemesis, The Man in Black, across a desert. Roland's ultimate goal is the Dark Tower, the nexus of all universes. This mysterious icon's power is failing, threatening everything in existence.

There is no one else who could play the part but this man.

Daniel Craig is Roland Deschain. But alas, the wheel of Ka says it will not be so. Instead it was announced last fall the series would be brought to the big screen and played by this guy.

I'm not totally hatin'. And just fyi: If you've ever seen The Mist, in the opening credits this was a picture of Roland being painted by the main character.

One more then we are done. I swear.

The Talisman:

Twelve-year-old Jack Sawyer embarks on an epic quest--a walk from the seacoast of New Hampshire to the California coast--to find the talisman that will save his dying mother's life. Jack's journey takes him into the Territories, a parallel medieval universe, where most people from his own universe have analogs called "twinners." The queen of the Territories, Jack's mother's twinner, is also dying.

It's never easy picking a favorite among King's work but this book made me laugh, cry, and cheer a little more than others. Jack is the original Harry Potter. And you'll love him.

I have no idea who could possibly play him. All the great child actors who could have done so are grown. This child is a future possibility:

Shiloh Jolie-Pit. With all that talent running through her genes and now that she's a boy...it might work out perfectly.

And that is it. I am done! I'm taking off until the middle of next week to host a hoard of visiting relatives so I'll see you when I return. Unless I can sneak some computer time. Have a great week!!!

I Hate You. I Love You.

2011-08-02T12:24:00.001-05:00

The Novel to Film Blogfest continues and today I tell you which of my extensive (Stephen King?) list of novel to film adaptations I either hated or loved. I'm not going to do the entire list. None of us wants that and there may be some sort of blogger size limit on posts. So I'm only hitting the ones I feel the strongest about.

I HATE YOU.

Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews.

This novel changed my life (I was 11 years old). Then the movie ruined it. It wasn't just the horrible acting, it was mainly due to after the first hour the storyline jumped from the beginning outlined in the book to the very end. The entire middle was skipped and honestly...the best parts.

Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer.

Those who have followed my blog for a while know my feelings regarding this. Rush a product and reap the consequences. Also, don't choose actors who are beautifully wrapped, but completely empty inside.

I LOVE YOU.

Stephen King:

I left off probably 10-20 novels to movies on my list yesterday but anything by Stephen King is incredible in my opinion (except for Pet Cemetery). He consults on his films, usually does a cameo, and hires the best actors. Plus I'm pretty sure most peeps are too scared to mess with his stories.

Harry Potter:

The first two movies were totally magical...really...but then the story began to be cut more and more to fit the movie time limits. Not anyone's fault and what they cut was not action but character development and relationship growth. So those of you who looked at me like I was crazy when I loudly sobbed in the movie theater as Sirius died...you can suck it. If you read the books you would have been crying too.

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton:

I grew up right outside of Tulsa before getting my ass to Texas as quickly as I could but I didn't need that reason to love this book. Or the ones that came after. This was pure teenage gold and the movie cast was a who's who of up and coming superstars.

Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien:

I am saying the only thing I can say. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

That's it for today. Tomorrow I give you...my wish list. Will it surprise you? Probably not.

Monday Mingle or Novel-Films Blogfest

2011-08-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

I don't usually participate in blogfests but while mingling on the blogosphere, I came across this one and it sounded like fun.

It is courtesy of Madeleine Maddocks over at Scribble and Edit.

Today I give you a list of novels or short stories I've read which were turned into movies, then tomorrow I'll tell you the ones I loved and hated, and Wednesday will be a wishlist of the novels I want to be movies.

This list is not in order of favs.

Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
The Lord of Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
Watchers-Dean Koontz
Angels and Demons by Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
Apt Pupil-Stephen King
Carrie-Stephen King
Cat's Eye-Stephen King
Christine-Stephen King
Cujo-Stephen King
Dolores Claiborne-Stephen King
Firestarter-Stephen King
The Green Mile-Stephen King
It-Stephen King
Lawnmower Man-Stephen King
Misery-Stephen King
The Mist-Stephen King
Needful Things-Stephen King
Pet Cemetery-Stephen King
The Running Man-Stephen King(as Richard Bachman)
Salem's Lot-Stephen King
Shawshank Redemption-Stephen King
The Shining-Stephen King
The Stand-Stephen King
Stand By Me-Stephen King
Thinner-Stephen King (as Richard Bachman)
Harry Potter Series-J.K. Rowling
Flowers in the Attic-V.C. Andrews

There's more but now I'm tired and wondering if I am a little too obsessed with King? Can such a thing be possible?

What is your favorite novel turned movie?

Believe the Dream

2011-07-28T11:05:00.001-05:00

If you don’t believe, it won’t happen. If you give up, the dream will die. Can you live with that? Without dreams, our life is a barren field, a wasteland of regret, a dry desert of missed chances and forgotten hope. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty damn thirsty. As long as my imagination keeps pouring the drinks…I’m not giving up my seat at the bar.

I love conceptual metaphors.

Here are a few other guys who knew a little bit about believing the dream.

All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream.
Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1845) American poet, critic, and short-story writer.

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Alexander Pope (1688-1744) English poet and satirist.

Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) American naturalist, poet and philosopher.

Man, alone, has the power to transform his thoughts into physical reality; man, alone, can dream and make his dreams come true.
Napoleon Hill (1883-1970) American speaker and motivational writer.

A daydream is a meal at which images are eaten. Some of us are gourmets, some gourmands, and a good many take their images precooked out of a can and swallow them down whole, absent-mindedly and with little relish.
W. H. Auden (1907-1973) English-born poet and man of letters.

Don’t keep it real, dream it that way.

Planking Not Plankton

2011-07-26T10:40:00.000-05:00

Writers are natural observers, or we should be if we want to write realistic stories. Keeping up with the latest trends is a must, depending on what your genre is but especially if you write YA. I know having teens at home and writing about them usually keeps me in the Fad Loop. I love them all, the crazier the better. Recently I was told of a new one called Planking.

Planking or the lying down game is an activity consisting of lying face down in an unusual or incongruous location. The hands must touch the sides of the body and having a photograph of the participant taken and posted on the internet is an integral part of the game.

This is not to be confused with Plankton, the villain from Spongebob Squarepants.

Oh, Plankton, always trying to steal a krabby pattie.

The term 'planking' originated in Australia and has taken over there and in New Zealand and now halfway around the world in America. Just see for yourself.

Street Planking W/Pets

Extreme Planking

And now...Baby Planking

Planking will probably be gone before we manage to include it in a story but still...it may be the most hilarious fad yet, next to wearing your pants belted around your thighs.

'Cause that's never getting old.

Monday Metaphors

2011-07-25T10:29:00.000-05:00

I love a good metaphor. It's almost a requirement to growing up in the south, like brown liquor and pig races. I try to work at least one of them into casual conversation every day. It isn't as hard as you might think, especially on Mondays. Here are some of my favorites with a few regular but awesome insults thrown in as a bonus. You never know when you might need one.

He's as sharp as a bowling ball.

He's all hat, and no cattle.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a week.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

Her slinky is kinked.

Have a great day!

BlogHo's, TwitterHo's, and HoHo's

2011-07-21T11:55:00.002-05:00

I have been blogging for a few years now and surprisingly I have yet to run out of things to say...or Walmart pictures to post. Thank you for that, Sam Walton. R.I.P.
Once I likened blogging to being the star of my own show (sounds so narcissistic) and I still think it fits. I get the most lines anyway. Although the real fun comes from the brilliant and often completely hilarious comments. The only drawback: Blowing coffee out my nose at 8:00am.

Twitter is a different story.
It's actually not as easy as it seems to be funny or relevant in 140 characters or less. Except for that shitmydadsays guy. He's awesome. I can be random, that's not hard and sometimes I give into the temptation. But what I really want to discuss is our followers and those we follow.

Do you follow everyone who decides to follow you? I know celebrities and the more popular tweeters do not. And I'm actually not offended that Pink hasn't decided she can't live without knowing how my week is shaping up or how the potty training adventures are going. Or that Ian Somerhalder (Damon Salvatore) isn't hanging off my every tweet with utter devotion. He will someday...but for the rest of us, is it an automatic follow for you if someone else clicks the button on your tweeter account?

Do you vet them? (I really wanted to work in the word 'vet') Do you try to determine if they are political, angry, or just plain stalkery nuts before you put your stamp of approval on their tweets?

Because that's what I feel like I'm doing and maybe I'm taking it too seriously. I've noticed people follow and unfollow quite a bit in Twitterland, unlike Blogger where losing a follower feels like you've been dumped without warning. They pretended nothing was wrong, went out for a pack of smokes and just...disappeared.

I usually take a few days to check out new followers, read their profile and tweets, maybe glance over their blog if they have one before I make a decision. I don't want to seem easy.

With Blogs, I take even more time. You comment on mine, I comment on yours, we do a little dance back and forth. Usually you make me laugh or say something so profound it speaks to the writer/mom/crazy in me and then I have to know what you're saying every day. EVERY DAY.

What are your thoughts? And how the hell do I get a twitter live feed to display on my sidebar instead of just my own confusing tweets?

Oh, yeah. And I like HoHo's.

To Spin a Spell

2011-07-19T09:56:00.005-05:00

I've lived a thousand lives and been on countless adventures. I have shopped in an alley filled with magical wares and wandered the halls of a school founded for wizards. I have witnessed my friends cut down by evil.

I have sipped tea with a mad hatter and defeated a red queen. I have fought to regain a throne that by all rights belongs to my bloodline. I have wept at the feet of kings and granted mercy to those who wept at mine.

I have been best friends with a werewolf and dated the undead. I have solved hundreds of mysteries, and brought justice to the deserving and punishment to the wicked.

I have witnessed vampires become citizens and executed those who turned rogue. I have crossed many miles and multiple worlds in search of a dark tower, all knew my name and shuddered at my passing. I have forged friendships of the deepest kind and then sacrificed them along the way.

I have stood on the shores of alien worlds and felt no longing for home.

I've been a hero and a villain...often at the same time. I have loved deeply and felt love in return, I have been lost and found. I have killed for all the right reasons and a few wrong ones. I have died and been reborn.

And I never left my couch.

This is why I write.

Kiss A Crappy Writer

2011-07-18T10:52:00.000-05:00

What made you begin writing? A love of reading? Or was there a defining moment or event that caused you to turn a dream into a serious pursuit for publication?

The real reason for me had nothing to do with the authors I loved. In fact, for a long time those were the very ones who held me back. If I couldn't build a world like J.K. Rowling then why bother? Or make you believe the monsters under your bed were waiting to eat you with sharp, dripping teeth like Stephen King, then what was the point?

In other words, if I couldn't be great then I wouldn't be at all. This is the grown up version of if I can't be the leader then I'm not playing. It's just an excuse and not even a very good one. Because most writers aren't great in the beginning and without the work...you won't ever be.

No, it wasn't great writing that inspired me. It was the crappy kind, the really bad writing. Those stories that slipped through the cracks of this industry and somehow made it to the shelves without plot or weak cardboard characters. None will be named here and honestly I couldn't remember specific ones anyway. But after finishing one of them the thought crossed my mind...I could do better. Not in a condescending, superior sort of way but in a light bulb flash of truth. I could do better. And if I could do better than this, then someday I could be great.

When I read a book whose writing doesn't draw me in and whose characters make me want to kill them by chapter two, I don't get angry. Because this book might have inspired one of the authors I love to write better. It makes me want to kiss those crappy writers for their effort and after all, we hear over and over how subjective this business is.

Those crappy writers might be your favorites.

Not Goodbye

2011-07-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

June 15th, 2011 marks the day the last Harry Potter film is released to an audience who I’m sure is watching with mixed emotions. Equal parts delight at seeing our old friends again and sorrow knowing this will be the last time. Or is it?

Hogwarts has been a part of my family for the last 12 years. Since the night I read my young son the first three pages and after realizing he had fallen asleep…stayed up until 1:00am to finish. I now know Harry’s world almost as well as I know my own. Need a spell to unlock any door? I got that. Want to summon an item to you in times of great need? Not a problem. Would you like to know what floor Muggle Investigations is on within the Ministry Of Magic? Show me your ID first.

I can explain the rules of Quidditch better than I can Basketball. My son still knows more about the wizarding world’s government than that other one in Washington DC (the one that isn’t nearly as fun).

I have loved every magical moment, and adored every single character from Harry Potter to Bellatrix LeStrange to Filch’s cat. These stories made me forget I was an adult and not care if I ever remembered.

How can we say goodbye? I won’t do it. And I don’t have to. That is the true secret of stories. They are never truly over and we don’t ever have to say goodbye. Hogwarts is only as far away as my bookshelf and I can go there any time I like.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione can be seen with a click of my remote control as often as I want. And I do…often.

So this is not goodbye. It’s just…see you later.

The Words

2011-07-13T12:21:00.000-05:00

The first draft of my current wip or b-nip (best selling novel in progress) is complete. Feeling quite proud, I hit the word count tool and received a small shock when the number came back at approximately 52,000 words. I told myself this one was tighter and took slightly longer to write due to compulsive editing as I went along. It’s also paced much faster, if a scene didn’t move the story forward, I cut it with ruthless disregard.

Of course, this is only the first draft and after a short time away I may come back to find a major plot hole that needs a little clarity. Where the hell did that character come from in the middle of the story and didn’t I kill him two chapters in? But even then I don't see needing more than a few thousand extra words.

So began the obsessive googling of published novels. Remember what I said on Monday about NOT googling story lines and just writing your story?

Yeah, well that doesn’t apply to word counts. I discovered these facts and decided to share.

Current:

Wake (Lisa McMann) 37,000 (rounded up)
Fade (Lisa McMann) 46,000
Gone (Lisa McMann) 40,000
If I Stay (Gail Forman) 50,000
Hex Hall (Rachel Hawkins) 67,000
White Cat (Holly Black) 76,000
Sister's Red (Jackson Pearce) 80,000
Spells (April Lynne Pike) 83,000

Much Loved:

Harry Potter Books
Philosopher’s Stone-77,325
Chamber of Secrets-84,799
Prisoner of Azkaban-106,821
Goblet of Fire-190,858
Order of the Phoenix-257,154
Half Blood Prince-169,441
Deathly Hallows-198,227

Other Famous Books:

Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe-36,363
Old Yeller-35,968
The Outsiders-48,523
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-30,644
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer-69,066
Lord of the Flies-59,900

I feel a lot better now.

What are your thoughts regarding shorter word counts? If you don’t mind sharing your own, then spill it!

Information websites:
http://www.betterstorytelling.net/thebasics/storylength.html
http://nicolehumphrey.net/word-count-for-famous-novels
http://www.renlearn.com/store/quiz_home.asp

The Same Sort

2011-07-11T11:53:00.000-05:00

There are many things that may seem the same at first glance, but when you take a closer look, they end up being completely different.

For example, a long time ago I used think these two were the same guy:

Probably because back in the day they looked like this:

Now I have a problem telling these two apart:

Writers tend to obsess over similarities in story lines when working on a new idea, even to the point of googling ‘high school zombies eat principal and run off with head cheerleader’ to see if it’s been done before.

It has.

Minor elements can be the same but when the entire story is told they hardly matter. The differences in voice, and pacing alone can change a story so utterly that it makes comparisons a waste of time.

Like these two books, both about dystopian societies ran by a shadow government that controls the citizens for their own good.

They appear the same but I assure you…they are not.

Write the story banging around in your head, with your own voice and style, and don’t worry about the similarities. You can’t go wrong…unless it’s about an orphaned boy wizard who attends a magical school and kicks ass on a broomstick.
Then you may need to worry.

Friday Fried

2011-07-08T17:03:00.000-05:00

I am so ready for the weekend. Please forgive the late and very brief post. I leave you with this question.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Screw it. I'll just be a stripper.

Writing a Wrong

2011-07-07T12:04:00.000-05:00

Only really good writers actually trying to be awful could write this wrong.

When the time came for Timothy to fly the nest, he felt the best years of his life were ahead of him, if only because he had spent the childhood ones living in a nest.

The mad muddy maelstrom of his mind meandered, mourned, and mulled, but did not mend or mollify his mood.

The double agent looked up from his lunch of Mahi-Mahi and couscous and realized that he must escape from Walla Walla to Bora Bora to come face-to-face with his arch enemy by taking out his 30-30 and shooting off his nemesis' ear-to-ear grin so he could wave bye-bye to this duplicitous life, but the chances of him pulling this off were only so-so, much less than 50-50.

Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before.
(I actually sort of like this one.)

With the broken sob of a candy mugged infant, Brett rolled across the bed into the recently vacated hollow - a depression created by the recently departed Maria.

She walked toward him, her dress billowing in the wind -not a calm and predictable billows like the sea, but more like the billowing of a mildewed shower curtain in a cheap motel where one has to dance around to avoid touching it while trying to rinse off soap.

Bad writing can teach us as much as good writing can. And examples are always fun.

Warning...do not try this at home. Multiple adjectives and bad metaphors can be addicting.

Creep Me Out…Please?

2011-07-05T12:43:00.000-05:00

Today Jennifer Hillier’s debut novel Creep drops on an unsuspecting public like a bomb of pure suspenseful awesomeness. From the very beginning it grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go until the last page is turned. There’s a blurb on the back cover by Jeffery Deaver that suggests you call in sick…because you aren’t going anywhere until you’re finished. I couldn’t agree more.

The short skinny: Psychology professor has a hot cougar affair with her fine ass teaching assistant/student, but decides to end it when she makes the decision to get engaged to her kind, caring boyfriend. Only fine ass student doesn’t take it so well. Being a few nuts shy of a sundae, he decides if he can’t have her…then no one can.

The core elements of a great story are the same regardless of genre which are perfect pace, descriptions that leap off the page, and relatable characters. Creep has all three. So no matter what you write or even if don’t write at all, this book is a must read.

I consider myself lucky to have Jennifer as a friend and not just because now I know she daydreams about murder. She’s funny, smart, and incredibly humble about her success. But none of that makes a difference when it comes to book recommendations. I don’t make them very often. If I read something I don’t particularly like then I take my mother’s advice and keep my mouth shut. But when I read something this good I have to pass it on.

You should definitely run, don’t Creep, to the nearest bookstore and buy a copy NOW.

Be The Lion

2011-07-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

“Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions.”-Russell Crowe, Robin Hood 2010

No one seems to know the exact origin of this quote but its message is undeniable. Do not give up, keep fighting, and the day will come when you prevail.

It seems appropriate to remember this with the anniversary of our independence happening in a few days. We rose up and continued to rise until we prevailed as a nation. Today, despite our problems, we are a country who values and celebrates a person’s ability to overcome obstacles and achieve greatness. Who among us doesn’t love a good underdog story?

Writers must remind themselves of this all the time, especially those of us who are still in the process of becoming published. The knowledge that one day our stories could change a life, make a difference even if it’s only to lift someone’s spirits for a short while…inspires us to never give up, to rise and rise again.

Because we know in those brief, glorious moments…we will become the lion.

Must Be Love

2011-06-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

What does love really mean to you? Do you ever think about exactly why you love a person? As writers if we don’t try to dig deeper and understand our emotions and what drives us to them, how can we expect our readers to feel as we do?

Here are some deep thoughts about love from leading experts…kids.

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget," Jessica - age 8

I couldn’t come up with any better examples. They pretty much nailed it. When we grow older we have a tendency to complicate issues, to take the simplest concept and twist it until it doesn’t make sense anymore. Depending on what genre you write in, this may work well for your characters but if you are writing for children or young adults, you have to remember what it was like to see these emotions with new eyes not yet jaded by age and experience.

Capturing emotions isn’t easy, you should try to show and not tell as much as possible. The problem is making sure what you show is communicating the right emotion.

But in real life it might be a good idea to say it a lot. You know…so they don’t forget.

Tuesday Trivia

2011-06-28T14:13:00.000-05:00

The majority of us share space with other people, whether it’s our husband, wife, kids, or very close canine/feline friends. If we’re lucky they share our literary interests or at least leave us the hell alone once in a while so we can get work done. It’s never easy to live with someone even if you love that person. It takes work, patience, and a healthy respect for each other, and that’s true if you’re just friends rooming together. But if you throw the added complications of creative personalities into the mix, well…you never know what could happen.

You may just end up being hugely famous.

Some of these peeps roomed together back in the day and survived it, although I have no idea how.

Marilyn Monroe/Shelley Winters

That was one wicked combination.

Michael Douglas/Danny De Vito

Ahhhh...Still pretty close I’d say.

Robin Williams/Christopher Reeve

Stayed friends until the end.

John Cusack/Jeremy Piven

They’ve had their spats but come on, it was the 80’s. They have to make up.

Al Gore/Tommy Lee Jones

Oh yeah. Double trouble at Harvard no less, and there’s a rumor John Lithgow might have been part of the group.

Just to show you Tommy Lee was totally hot.

Jonah Hill/Justin Long

These guys were born to be famous, and they have like a total bromance happening.

Robert Downey Jr./Kiefer Sutherland

Maybe my favorite pairing right here, I still love them both.

And there's some Tuesday Trivia for ya. I have to go dig out my VCR and VHS tapes for an 80's video marathon.

True That

2011-06-27T13:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve been obsessed with vampires since before my age hit double digits.

I’ve seen everything from this:

To this:

And all the bad in between:

I have read about them almost as much,

They have been portrayed as funny, friendly, cruel, tormented, sexy, and sadistic.
I have seen them as children, teenagers, middle aged, old, and ancient.

And I love them as much today as I ever have.

But I still have no desire to write about them. The strange reality is I can’t because I’m overexposed to the subject. I cannot honestly think of an original take on it. At least not yet and I will not make any sort of attempt until I am certain I could do it better than it’s been done before.

In this situation, I would be my own toughest critic. But then maybe we always are.

Is there a genre that you love but would never attempt to write in?

Snape Says Goodbye

2011-06-23T10:36:00.003-05:00

I wasn’t going to post today but I found this on the ‘net, cried a little, and had to share it. Read it and you’ll see what I mean.

This is from the June issue of the British magazine Empire. It is Alan Rickman’s (Snape) goodbye letter to the Harry Potter franchise.

No one could have brought Snape to life as well as Alan Rickman. He conveyed more emotion in one look that most actors could with pages of dialogue. The story needs a great storyteller yes, but he helped to bring the story to so many more children and adults who would never have read it otherwise.

We hated you and loved you, Professor. But most of all...we will miss you.

Know It All

2011-06-22T13:34:00.000-05:00

I believe the worst piece of advice ever given to any writer is ‘write what you know’. It makes me angry just hearing it. I will not be confined to the limits of what I know. How did Tolkien know about Middle Earth and Hobbits? How did Stephen King know the monster in your closet had claws and long dripping fangs?

They didn’t.

Because if you want to be truly great, then you should write what you love, what you dream, or whatever the hell calls to you from the dark corners of your mind.

I don’t consider myself an expert except when it comes to common sense and this smacks of stupid. I know about being an accountant but I’m not going to write about it. Unless it’s an accountant who finds a doorway into an alternate world in the supply cabinet. Using familiar elements from your life to enrich a story is one thing but please for love of the written word…write what you DON’T know.

Tuesday Taunts

2011-06-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

Taylor Swift…

meet Kimberly Perry, lead singer of The Band Perry.

She can match your curly blond cuteness, your endearing innocence, and the insanely high notes you can still hit because I suspect neither of you has fully undergone puberty.

BUT…that’s not all.

She has two brothers who are strangely attractive in weird Indie/Goth sort of way. Maybe someone should tell them they’re singing county music? They look like they could kick the crap out of you just for fun.

Watch your back, Taylor. The challenge is thrown and you’re already down by one (or two). You need another boyfriend quick so you have some lyrics for that new album.

Disclaimer: This is not my typical music but I have to admit...I sort of like it. And I get to taunt Taylor Swift so it's like a win, win.

Get Your Fat On.

2011-06-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

I wrote like a maniac over the weekend. The first draft of my current manuscript is almost complete but it's too thin. It needs more depth and description, which I have a harder time with than the heart pounding action sequences and the OMG my sister is also my mother big reveals. I want you to hear and smell this world, not just see it. It needs to be fattened up and I found the perfect solution.

The Bookshelf Muse. This blog is an incredible resource for writers. It offers a thesaurus buffet for every appetite. Emotions, settings, character descriptions, whatever you hunger for can be found there.

So if your manuscript looks a little skinny head on over...and get your fat on.

What Kids?

2011-06-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

I don't see any kids.

Oh, THAT kid.

Sometimes tough love includes a restraining order.

TAG, You're It!

2011-06-16T16:11:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged by one of my favorite bloggers, L.G. Smith (I suspect we may have been separated at birth), and the pressure is on since she stated I almost force her into wearing Depends with my blog posts.

Prepare to Pee. (This may become my new motto)

Being Tagged requires I answer a few questions…but not that I tell the truth. aha! But I will. I swear.

Do you think you're hot?
Hells Yes and I tell myself so every morning as I leave the house.

*Upload a picture or wallpaper you are using.

I like castles.

And Sunflowers.

When was the last time you ate chicken?

I live in the Deep South (this always makes me think of the movie Lil’ Nicky with Adam Sandler) and it’s sort of a requirement that we eat fried chicken at least twice a week. So the answer is…last night. My thighs hate me.

What were you thinking while doing this?
I wish I could take a nap right now. I wonder how many calories are in a glazed donut. My boss is a Nazi.

What song/songs have you listened to recently?
Airplane by B.O.B (Trying to memorize the rap part so I can sing along and freak out the kids with my hipness) and Sing by My Chemical Romance.

Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
This should be self explanatory if you ever watched The Brady Bunch. Although there was a period in elementary school when one brave soul called me Marshmallow, but I persuaded him to rethink this error in judgment.

Tag 5 Blogger friends.
This is hard because I have so many awesome blogger friends!!! But I’m going to tag some new followers so we get a chance to know them better:

Bryce Daniels-He blogs under a pseudonym which may just be a cover for his split personalities. I like it.

K. Syrah –A soldier who is scary smart and blogs with an acidic wit that will have you falling out of your chair.

D.U. Okonkwo- I like to call him Du. This writer blogs from London so get your culture on. Funny, insightful, and helpful blog posts.

Elena Solodow-She’s not afraid to tell you when you’re rong or when you’re write.

The Golden Eagle-You don’t want to miss a word this teenager has to say. I was intimidated just reading her profile. If you write YA, or even if you don’t, she’s worth listening to.

Whew, That's it. I’m done. Thanks a lot, Lu.

Tell It Tuesday

2011-06-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

There are many bloggers who do truth posts on Tuesdays. I’m not one of them. But it is catchy and a lot of peeps seem to like it. I guess my problem is I really don’t have that many interesting truths. I have a lot of boring ones…and some that are completely inappropriate…and some that are inappropriate AND boring.

But I will tell you these truths about me:

I never lie about how long I’ve been married. Partly because I’m proud of the fact I’ve been married so long in a society that divorces as easily as changing their shirt.

I almost always lie about my age. Mainly because I feel it is every woman’s right to do so after 30 (I’m not that far past it, honestly) and partly because…it’s funny. I added years when I was younger to make myself older so it’s only fair I subtract a few now.

But I face a growing conflict between the two. As the years I’ve been married increase and my age decreases…I’m forced into a corner regarding the age I married. There are really only three categories to choose from:

Responsible Adult
Slutty Teenager
Only in Kentucky

If I stay the course…I will fall into the last category within the next five years. This is the truth I live with.

So what do you have to tell?

New State Mottos

2011-06-13T12:42:00.001-05:00

Here's a little fun for ya since it actually hurts me to think too hard on a Monday. Plus I am trying to shake off some major depression caused by Game of Thrones last night. I know...I have issues with reality. Whatever. I'm pretty sure that's a requirement when you're a writer.

I was going to list all 50 new state mottos but that would make this post entirely too long so I'm just sharing my favs.

Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

New Jersey: What Smell?
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

And here's a bonus redneck map:

This post is meant in good fun and only intended for those with a sense of humor. I'm from Texas...or maybe Mexico. The map is confusing me.

Have a great Monday.

Note: Mottos are courtesy of the funny2 website.

Buckle Up

2011-06-10T12:42:00.000-05:00

My birthday is coming up very soon (Why yes, I am only 27 and have been for a few years now) and usually on this day I take a little time to reflect on my life. I like to think of it as a kind of yearly evaluation of where I’ve been and where I’m headed.

I’m exactly where I want to be or at least pretty far along the road there and not a lot of peeps can say that. I have a great family, a good job, and I’m following my dreams. The drive so far hasn’t been a straight one. There have been a lot of twists and turns, a few detours maybe, but I like to think I took the scenic route.

Norway

Italy

San Francisco

The road travelled is just as important as the destination and so far it’s been pretty damn awesome. I’ve made some great friends, learned more than I could possibly have imagined, and realized the harder the writing gets…the more I love it.

So fasten your seatbelts, and let’s take it up on two wheels. ‘Cause I’m just getting started.

Tone Deaf

2011-06-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

There are certain terms that come up consistently when researching the craft of writing, such as voice, style, mood, and pacing. Maybe not so often we hear the subject of ‘tone’ mentioned. All of these terms can mean very similar things but in a Writer’s Digest article by Adair Lara, tone means the author’s attitude toward his subject.

She explains if you were a photographer, tone would be the way you use lighting, whether from the side to create a shadow effect or above to highlight the scare factor. In a movie, tone is created with the use of music. You know when something terrible is about to happen because the background music becomes especially creepy.

But writers cannot rely on lights or music; instead we have conflict, imagery, and surprise. The way we use them and the word choices we make are all part of the story tone. Just like the way someone responds to the tone of our voice, a reader will respond to the tone of our story. If a subject makes us angry or bores us into a coma, it will be reflected in the tone of our writing and the reader will know it.

Key Points to remember:
Avoid being Predictable (no cliches or stereotypes!)
Be Consistent from Start to Finish (don't start out a thriller and switch to a romance in the middle)
Let Tension Sustain Tone (make sure there is enough conflict to keep a reader's interest)
Convey Tone and Voice through Details and Descriptions (if your mc is an angry teenager chances are she won't spend a few pages describing a field of flowers.)
Learn to Recognize your Issues (don't go off on rants that have nothing to do with your story or are not consistent with how your character feels.)

If you still don’t understand just think of the very different tones in say…Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and The Vampire Diaries by L.J Smith. Both are about teenage vampires and yet they are completely different in tone.

There are so many factors to consider when creating your story. Tone is one of the most important. And if you’re tone deaf…well, it worked out for Beethoven.

Note: Adair Lara is the author of Naked, Drunk, and Writing. I haven’t read it but the title alone made me want to listen to her advice immediately.

G.O.T.

2011-06-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

Game of Thrones...
It must be whispered in awed, hushed tones to give it the respect it deserves.

From the brilliant mind of George R.R. Martin flows an epic fantasy of such bad ass awesomeness even I am rendered speechless for an hour each week. Usually the movie/series version is disappointing when compared to the novel it is based on but in this case...it's hard to feel let down at all. If you haven't read the book yet you may want to wait. Knowing who is going to die kind of ruins the surprise. But if you have (and holy hell isn't it awesome?) then you will still enjoy the show.

Being on a cable network allows it to be told the way it should be. Bloody, incestous, evil, and good are aspects all portrayed with stunning visuals and such suberb acting you can't imagine these people being anyone else. Although you may recognize Boromir from LOTR:

Only he is now and always will be Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell.

Or this chick who was King Leonidas' wife in 300:

Manipulative Queen Cersei who is married to this guy:

King Robert Baratheon (also the dude from a Knight's Tale) but she is getting it on with this guy:

Jaime Lannister. And who can blame her? Only...ewww it's her twin brother. Yeah.

Confused? Surprisingly I'm not. Because a large cast of characters and multiple POV's are hard but when done right you love all of them and their stories combine to create a richer whole. Only a handful of people can pull off an epic of this magnitude and Martin is one of them.

Did I mention this guy?:

Because he may actually be the best actor on the show and he's a dwarf (is that PC?). I'm sure dramatic acting roles for a person of his stature are not easy to find but I cannot imagine another actor playing this part any better.

If you need more clarification this may help:

Hot guys, evil bitches, evil hot guy bitches. This show has it all.

The Game has begun. Are you in or out?

Giving The Finger

2011-06-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

I enjoy giving advice every once in a while, such as never mixing laxatives and sleep aids before bed or if you drop a pork chop on the floor while cooking dinner don’t let your kids see you put it on your husband’s plate (be prepared to call them a liar because they always tell). But sometimes I read another’s advice and I have to share it.

In Writer’s Digest this month there is an article by published author Steven James. It’s called ‘Raise Your Characters above the Status Quo’, and it is in a word…brilliant. He talks about how to add another dimension to your characters by determining their status through subtle word choices and gesture usage.

You have to constantly ask yourself how you want your readers to feel about a particular character. If your mc stomps across the floor this shows a lack of self control, and struts implies a need for attention, but if she strides then this shows confidence and composure. A person with high status may also shout, holler, or yell but if she screams, bawls, or screeches her status is lowered. And so is her likeability.

I once commented on one of my characters and the fact that her stomach clenched, tightened, and rolled over so much it sounded like she had a bad case of IBS by the end of the story (Irritable Bowel Syndrome for you peeps who’ve never lived off coffee and peanut M&M’s).

Gestures such as looking down, crossing your legs, and biting your lip can also lower status. Maintaining eye contact and remaining still while others fidget raises it. Even punctuation is critical. Too many exclamation points when a character is speaking transmits desperation, and you need to make sure this is what you intended to convey.

Mr. James goes on to say a wimpy protagonist isn’t interesting and a wimpy villain isn’t frightening. Both have to be strong and have high status in any really good story. This article made me look at my characters in a whole new light. I have to hand it to Mr. Steven James, he has serious skills.
So listen up and be careful with the word usage!

And if you run out of gestures…giving the finger has always been my particular favorite.

What did you think I meant? Shame on you.

Taco Bell Query

2011-06-03T11:53:00.000-05:00

Summer had arrived and with it the need to find employment for the teenagers in my house. Not that it’s imperative they work but it will help feed their endless need for stimulation. Because life is just so damn boring…I mean, obviously. You can only eat so many hot pockets or play Call of Duty for thousands of hours before even that gets old. And cleaning their room or mowing the lawn is not an option.

So what is there available to offer their insatiable appetite? Not only to occupy their time but provide them with extra money for more games? Fast food franchises, sackers at the local grocery store, or mowing other people’s lawns. In other words, a lot of work for a little pay, at least until they develop more skills. Then they will be able to offer an employer more and receive more in return.

This led me to ponder the similarities between this situation and the query process. We are essentially offering employment to agents, not the other way around. Most of these agents have incredible skills and are offered wonderful opportunities every day. When we send our query and pages we are essentially saying read this and come to work for me. Take a look at what I can offer you, are you interested? You may have to work really hard and be paid very little or not at all for quite a while but it’ll be worth it. I promise.

We shouldn’t feel too discouraged if we are turned down, instead we should take a good look at what we are offering.

Minimum wage at Taco Bell might not be what their looking for…unless you thrown in free Volcano Nachos. ‘Cause those are just awesome.

Indie Love

2011-06-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

I missed the boat yesterday but I still wanted to toss a line out to show some indie bookstore love.

There used to be a strange little used bookstore located down the street from me. It was a sad day when the plastic open sign no longer swayed in the breeze above the door and the owner couldn’t be seen standing out front in the early morning hours wearing nothing but a pair of faded boxer shorts and mismatched socks.

He lived in the back, surrounded by boxes and boxes of books…and cats. But they weren’t in boxes. Not that I know of anyway. If you dared to disturb him as he sat reading cross-legged on the floor near the front, he would pin you with his magnified stare (due to his incredibly thick glasses) like an insect on a scientist’s slide. Taking the time to push back his long white hair, he would eventually answer but by then you had pretty much forgotten what you asked in the first place. It didn’t matter because it was all part of the unique indie experience.

Do not cry for me now that he is gone (ok, you can but just a little), because I still have the awesomeness that is the Blue Willow Bookshop.

This is no obscure book store. You never know who might walk through the door.

Hey, is that Stephanie Perkins? Why yes, yes it is.

And hello to you Maggie Stiefvater! (I have no clue how to pronounce your name so it comes out sounding something like Steve Avatar...and I like it.)

Visiting authors even get to sign the wall. My name is going to be there someday. I hope yours will be too.

Love your indie bookstores. If you don't...pretty soon the quirky, sometimes scary strange, and unique love they give you will be replaced by big chain stores that smell of coffee and high priced muffins.

Not that we don't love coffee and muffins. But a bookstore should be all about the books, and your independents never forget it.

Work Or Write?

2011-05-31T08:09:00.000-05:00

Having a three day weekend always makes me question whether or not I would quit my day job when my writing career takes off. It would give me more time to write but that might not necessarily be a good thing.

I’m a deadline sort of person. If given too much time I procrastinate and make up excuses not to get started (Stephen King marathons on cable). But when I know a deadline is approaching, when the pressure is on, I excel. It’s when I do my best work, whether it’s my day job or writing.

Also, I get a lot of good story ideas from my crazy co-workers. Not sure I could give that up, at least not completely. It's like having a secret identity. And you know I like to think of myself as a super-hero.

What about you? Would you devote all your time to writing?

Finally Friday and Memorial Monday

2011-05-27T10:22:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just me but this week has been abnormally long. Waiting for a three day weekend may have played a part, but an earlier work schedule didn't help either. None of that matters now because it's FRIDAY!!!

And this is going to be my theme song all weekend:

I wish. Not combing my hair is a serious possibility though.

I'm actually going to be writing every spare moment on my b-nip (best selling novel in progress), spending time with the family, and maybe if I'm feeling especially ambitious...paint my bathroom. Oh yeah. I feel your envy.

This weekend is also about remembering those loved and lost who fought in defense of our freedom. Brothers and sisters, moms and dads, who won't be at the barbecue this year because they gave their life so we could live a better one.

We will remember.