Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Please Don’t Feel Up My Momma

One of my favorite comedians is Dane Cook. The first time I saw him, he did a little piece about how funny it would be to walk up to a stranger in the airport and whisper, “Don’t get on the plane.” Then walk off without looking back. At the time of heightened airport security and paranoia over terrorists, it was funny in a morbid way. Something I could see myself doing just for the hell of it.

I don’t recommend doing this now. In case you haven’t watched the news lately, TSA has implemented full body scanners that take naked pictures of you as you pass through security. If you refuse, you will be subjected to a full body pat. By that I mean, you will be felt up in places that usually require dinner and drinks first.

Personally, when it comes to me, I don’t really care. Take a naked picture if you want. Pat me down if you think there is somehow any room to hide dangerous material in my genital area. But during this holiday season my mother is coming to visit, and she is not caught up on current events. She has no idea what is in store for her and I for one don’t plan on telling her.

My mother is an older woman, and a Devout Christian (if you knew her you would see the need for capitalizing). I am pretty sure no one has seen her naked since the 60’s and that includes my father. If she knew a machine was going to take a picture of her without clothes, there is no way she would allow it. I shudder at the thought of what she would do about a full body pat down.

No matter how you feel about the increased security measures at airports or what your political leanings might be, when it comes to your mother…all of those ideals sort of fade to the background.

So TSA, I beg you for the sake of our holidays, please don’t feel up my momma.


  1. Love the title and this line!: "felt up in places that usually require dinner and drinks first." LOL!

    Tell your mother not to wear anything with metal, including snaps and she should be OK. TSA actually has packing tips on its site and other advice...Of course then you'd have to explain.

    Have a great Thanksgiving with your mother and family:)

  2. *snerts soda on the screen*

    See, for me, when I heard about this all I thought was: those poor security guys must have to see a LOT of cellulite. *shudder* :)

  3. Did I read that right? Are you encouraging your readers to take naked pictured of you?
    I'm sure Mama will understand.

    There was a funny letter to the editor this morning concerning the heightened security at the airports. For those customers that feel their privacy is being violated, there will be a separate, no-security plane flown by drones.

    I thought it was funny.

  4. Aren't they just X-rays? I mean, yeah the scan goes through your clothes, but it goes through your skin too... if anybody's getting off looking at your femur I'd say he's got to get a life ^_^

  5. I've never heard that Dane Cook skit. That would be a funny trick to play...but in this day and age, it would probably get you arrested. I'm confused...does this scan show them what people look like naked, or is it just an x-ray? Because they've been doing x-rays for a while, I thought.

  6. Just googled it...backskatter x-rays actually do show the person naked...somewhat. Google Backskatter X-rays to see what all the fuss is about.

  7. It's crazy how far some of the measures taken all in the name of security. I sure hope your momma doesn't get felt up.


It helps to know I'm not just talking to myself.