One of my favorite comedians is Dane Cook. The first time I saw him, he did a little piece about how funny it would be to walk up to a stranger in the airport and whisper, “Don’t get on the plane.” Then walk off without looking back. At the time of heightened airport security and paranoia over terrorists, it was funny in a morbid way. Something I could see myself doing just for the hell of it.
I don’t recommend doing this now. In case you haven’t watched the news lately, TSA has implemented full body scanners that take naked pictures of you as you pass through security. If you refuse, you will be subjected to a full body pat. By that I mean, you will be felt up in places that usually require dinner and drinks first.
Personally, when it comes to me, I don’t really care. Take a naked picture if you want. Pat me down if you think there is somehow any room to hide dangerous material in my genital area. But during this holiday season my mother is coming to visit, and she is not caught up on current events. She has no idea what is in store for her and I for one don’t plan on telling her.
My mother is an older woman, and a Devout Christian (if you knew her you would see the need for capitalizing). I am pretty sure no one has seen her naked since the 60’s and that includes my father. If she knew a machine was going to take a picture of her without clothes, there is no way she would allow it. I shudder at the thought of what she would do about a full body pat down.
No matter how you feel about the increased security measures at airports or what your political leanings might be, when it comes to your mother…all of those ideals sort of fade to the background.
So TSA, I beg you for the sake of our holidays, please don’t feel up my momma.