Every superhero has a villain who defines them, who is the opposite of everything they stand for, the very antithesis of what makes them…them.
I’m not saying I am a superhero (ok, I totally am) but it has occurred to me before that I might have one of these arch-nemesis’. Of course, actively searching for this person is a waste of time. The universe reveals them when the time is right.
Fellow Peeps, today is that time.
Due to the stunningly awesome reporting of current events by ‘The Lila’, we have discovered this phenomenon called Goop...and the evil that is…Gwyneth Paltrow.
Sweet and innocent, you say? Then what about this Gwynie?!:
As if her skinny thighs weren’t proof enough, the extent of her villainy became clear after reading this article.
It is undeniable. She is my Arch-Nemesis, with her brown rice and sweet potato eating kids, who apparently don’t rub half their dinner in their hair as mine do, forcing shampoo night to be EVERY night.
And the very idea of giving any of my children a foot massage is appalling given my pathological aversion to feet. Once their tiny baby toes became too big to fit in my mouth (‘cause that’s just good fun) they were on their own.
Also as the final touch, would someone please explain to me how when dear sweet little Mosey wasn’t downstairs at 8:am and Gwyneth had to leave by 8:20, she somehow managed to joyfully wake him, get him dressed, cook him breakfast, have him eat it, and then still manage to pack up toys and finish decorating shoeboxes before leaving on time?
It’s obvious she used her evil time-warping power.
I know now what must be done. I’m changing my son’s name to Orange and starting an organization called POOG.
People Openly Opposing Gwyneth.
So it begins.