Friday, November 18, 2011

Very Short Twilight Letters

In honor of the premier of Breaking Dawn...

Dear Twilight fans,
Thank you for making us look sane and well-adjusted.
Sincerely, Trekkies.

Dear Stephenie Meyer,
I'm sorry your fans are so obnoxious. Try using less glitter.
Sincerely, J.K. Rowling

Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that if you sparkle in the sun you are not a vampire, you are a unicorn.
Sincerely, Lestat de Lioncourt

Dear Twilight fan sitting behind me,
Stop yelling "Team Edward" every time Robert Pattinson comes on the screen, it's really getting old.
Sincerely, Taylor Lautner.

Dear Edward,
This is why you were in Hufflepuff.
Sincerely, The Sorting Hat

Dear Edward,
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely, Dracula

Dear Wizard Community,
It has come to our attention that a Dark Wizard has made a Inferi of Cedric Diggory, now going by the name of Edward Cullen. He is known to be running around with an unregistered Animagus, Jacob Black. If you have any information about their whereabouts, contact the Ministry of Magic.
Sincerely, Minister for Magic.

Dear Edward Cullen,
You stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original.
Sincerely, Peter Pan.

Note: Making fun of it doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to seeing it.  I'm only human.


  1. Ha! Brilliant line from Peter Pan. Also, I wonder if Meyer ever regrets making her vampires so sparkly. Probably not, since she has bigger problems like finding enough banks to stash her earnings in.

    Enjoy the show!! And have a great Thanksgiving. :)

  2. Ha, love it so much! :) Great for a laugh today. :D

  3. I'm loving every one of your posts lately, thanks. For someone who has never read/saw Twilight, I only got a couple of these.

    Captain Charlie

  4. Pure genius. Every single one is funny, especially the last (where I may have choked on my tea).


  5. Dracula would have opened some whupass on Edward.

  6. The Sorting hat is never wrong!

  7. this has nothing to do with your post, which was hilarious (I can't pick my favorite!), but is that the ACTUAL poster for Breaking Dawn? If so, how hideous.

  8. LOL. I love the one from the Ministry of Magic!

  9. Ok, Peter Pan was my favorite. Hilarious. Also I really really want to see the movie, but know no real life Twi-hards. Maybe I'll convince post-natal Laura that it's a good idea to bring the baby with us to a matinee.

  10. Ha!

    I think I liked the one to the wizard community best, but it's a tough call. thanks.

  11. Dear Marsha,
    Love these.
    Sincerely, One Time Blogger.

  12. Where do you get this stuff?

    The Sorting Hat made me laugh til I cried.

    (Sorry, had to. He's got a bazillion ab muscles.)


It helps to know I'm not just talking to myself.